Valentine’s Day is around the corner, which means Tinder will be experiencing a spike in traffic this weekend as singletons shop around to see if there’s anyone worth going for a drink with or if going to bed alone at 9pm is more preferable. However, even if you manage to sift through all the people saying ”Hi” ”How are you”and find an attractive stranger whose conversational skills aren’t limited to ”How was your day?” and ”What you up to?” the real challenge is the first date.
Very few people like first dates, everyone is trying to be the best version of themselves which includes wearing their best clothes, staying away from any controversial topics and trying to be polite at all times. It is basically a job interview with alcohol, and if you are lucky you’ll make it to the second round where you’ll go out for dinner where you’ll spend the entire night not trying not to spill food down yourself and won’t order dessert even though you really really like the look of the gooey chocolate brownie.
For some reason, the initial stages of dating for many people involve polite conversations and presenting the best version of ourselves. Dating is meant to be fun, so go ahead decline when your date asks if you want to share a brownie and order an entire one for your damn self and ask them the questions that YOU find interesting. For example:
How terrible was Michael Gambon as Dumbledore?
ITV broadcast all of the Harry Potter films over Christmas and it reignited my fury at Michael Gambon quite frankly, terrible portrayal of Dumbledore. The infamous scene in the Goblet of Fire where Dumbledore charges towards Harry and practically strangles him whilst demanding to know if he put his name in the fire, WHICH IS NOTHING LIKE HOW DUMBLEDORE REACTS IN THE BOOKS. It pisses me of just thinking about it. Hopefully, on a date this would spark an intense discussion about how Gambon clearly hadn’t read the books. That or my date would say he’s going to ”pop to the loo” and he’d just never come back.
”Do you like cats?”Bringing up cats on a first date wont make a date see me in a particularly alluring light. If I want to achieve that I should tell them that I can (almost) do the splits (but it takes me ages to get out of them) However, I once spent five minutes stroking a random cat that came up to me in the street. I need someone that is happy to wait until I’ve finished attending to cat stroking duties or will sit down next to me and join in.
”Is there anything you are embarrassed to admit that you watch?”I’d probably have to add ‘’No, porn isn’t an acceptable answer’’ at the end of that question, because finding out my date is into watching grown men in nappies get spanked is, at least, a five date and six drink minimum. What I want to know is if my date is secretly an avid Geordie Shore fan,
Do you plan on emmigrating anytime soon?Seems weird at first, but when you look at the current political situation in the UK its not that obscure a question. With Brexit, no effective opposition and Nigel Farage’s face beaming from every TV channel, I know a few people eyeing up Canada and Australia as potential new homes. The last thing you want is to catch feelings for someone who plans on moving to a different time zone, so it’s best to clarify in advance that they don’t plan to claim political asylum from the UK any time soon.
”If a General Election was called tomorrow, who would you vote for?”If your date plans on sticking around in the UK then it’s acceptable to progress and learn about their political leanings. A few years ago, I’d say it’s a topic that should be avoided until you are comfortable with ordering a dessert in front of your date. However, in the past year we’ve been Brexited, had Theresa Maybe appointed Prime Minister and it’s looking increasingly likely that the UK may turn into America’s 51st state, politically the country is more divided than ever and I need to learn pretty quickly which side of the fence my date is sitting on and I’d advise everyone else to do the same.
I mean, realistically a member of the Green party who voted remain is going to struggle to see eye to eye with a UKipper who voted leave. One will be marching against Donald Trump screaming ”THIS PUSSY GRABS BACK!” whilst the other will be listening to Farage’s radio show.
(Just to clarify, I wouldn’t vote Green)
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