The dos and don’ts of a Tinder profile.

So I mentioned a few days ago I joined Tinder because a friend told me to and I thought I needed to spice this blog up a bit with a bit of testosterone and screenshots of obscene messages. What can I say? it has been the source of much amusement. On Friday I had a severe case of the New Year blues as I lay in bed, in the dark, listening to Amy Winehouse (it doesn’t get more tragic than that) and feeling depressed about how much work I have to do, but five minutes on Tinder and I had cheered right up! Some of the messages I have received had me crying with laughter (I’ll post them at a later date).

Basically, my new hobby is screen shottingย  outrageous Tinder messages and then texting them to my friend which really has combatted the New Year and essay blues. Anyway, I’ve seen many Loughborough boys on Tinder, including one claiming to be 25 when I know for a fact he is 22 and one boy who already has a girlfriend! so I know this post may be of interest. Observe:

1) Selfies

Rihanna: the only woman who stops me being 100% straight.

Rihanna: the only woman who stops me being 100% straight.

Some selfies are fine, they’re not awkward and they highlight how attractive someone is perfectly. However, there is one selfie I cannot understand which is the one where you take a selfie on a mobile phone, in the mirror when the said person has an iphone or whatever because you can just reverse the camera and take a picture of your face. I don’t get it. If you want a picture showing off your outfit then get someone else to take it (?). The one worse than that is where you don’t even get a face but a photo containing some abs so chiseled you could grate cheese on them, because I often get confused for a moment and think I’m on Porn hub instead as the half naked body often looks like a still from a porno.

Now, I’m not against looking at some nicely defined abs, although the person’s abs I probably stare most at is Rihanna’s (the one woman who stops me being 100% straight), but there’s something a little…..off putting when the first picture you see of a male is a selfie of his jeans and a stomach which I’m pretty sure he’s rubbed baby oil onto.

2)Correct spelling and grammar is a huge plus.

The face I pull when I see correct spelling and grammar.

The face I pull when I see correct spelling and grammar.

Being an English student I am obviously a little biased when it comes to correct spelling and grammar; that’s not to say I’m a complete grammar nazi.However, I don’t think a man who spells ”happiest” as ”happyest” and ”proper” as ”propper” is the one for me. Correct spelling and grammar is such an aphrodisiac for me, when I see it I’m like the woman off the herbal essences advert who gets well excited when she’s washing her hair and ends up going ”Yes, yes yes!” in the shower. Even my friend who does a science degree text me ”I can’t believe I slept with someone who spells like that :(” when he sent her a text saying ”Ur joking rite” which tells me that correct spelling and grammar isn’t an aphrodisiac for English students alone. Basically, boys, if you want to maximize the amount of girls for a potential hook up then get your dictionary out. It also helps to have a witty couple of lines in your bio, my favourite was ”Willing to lie about where we met” and ”There’s nothing wrong with a little swipe and grind”, and avoid any of those picture things you used to put on your bebo profile which usually went ”Loading coolness” or whatever. One guy had one of these on his profile talking about how his swag was loading and I was just like *sigh*.

3) Don’t say you’re a twat.

''Mum, this is Tom, we met on Tinder. His hobbies include football and being a twat 24/7''

”Mum, this is Tom, we met on Tinder. His hobbies include football and being a twat 24/7”

Some males put things such as ”am a cunt”, or ”I can be a propper twat” and I’m note sure what turned me off more, that or the incorrect grammar and spelling. I’m not entirely sure why you’d put that on your dating profile, because I can’t imagine many girls taking a guy home to meet Mum and explaining that not only did they meet on Tinder (I’d just lie about where we met) but she was drawn to him because of his ability to freely admit he’s a cunt 24/7. Of course, these guys may be onto something and may be putting such lines because of the the belief nice guys finish last, and that girls will go for a self proclaimed ”twat” in the belief they can change him which is always the basis of a nice healthy relationship (not).

4) The smart ones put a picture of them with an instrument.

The profile picture every girl wants to see.

The profile picture every girl wants to see.

Some guys put pictures of them up with babies which would put me off because I would assume it’s his child and I don’t want kids of my own for a few years, never mind anyone else’s. Some have a photo with their dog, but if you really want your matches to shoot up then put a picture up of you with an instrument of some sort. A picture of you on some decks may work because girls will automatically link a DJ to VIP and after parties, but the ultimate instrument is a guitar. If you don’t have one then borrow your mates and have someone take a picture of you ”playing” it and then put it in black and white. I promise you, your profile will get more likes than a girl uploading a bikini photo on facebook. We won’t go into why girls like guys who can play guitar but if you think about how you play a guitar you’ll soon figure it out.

5) Don’t take it too seriously

The three being the number of STIS you may get.

The three being the number of STIS you may get.

Most people on Tinder are either on it looking for a hook up or because their friend told them it would be a giggle and help them get through those essay blues. The vast majority of girls can walk into a club on any given night and take a male home so you need to be up your game if you want to hook up with them. Basically, always be honest about what you do or do not want (otherwise you’ll be in for some trouble later on down the line) and if you manage to get some USE PROTECTION (and remember the pill doesn’t protect you from STIS).

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