Can I just ask where the hell this year went? 2013 seems like a complete blur of blurred lines causing outrage, fourth wave feminists rising which will delight some people and irritate others (We all know how I feel about fourth wave feminism), Prince George’s birth causing a media circus, Margaret Thatcher dying Kim Kardashian being pictured with her Louis Vuitton bag more more than her child, Beyonce coming in and owning 2013 in the last month of 2013, Miley Cyrus seemingly being reincarnated as the she devil as she shoved her arse in Robin Thicke’s crotch and people sharing pictures of Morgan Freeman when they learned Nelson Mandela had died *face palm*.
Anyway, it’s the most wonderful time of the year! The time of too much food, wine and money being spent and then January rolls around and we roll off the sofa buy a gym membership and cry at how empty our bank accounts are. Anyway, I learnt a lot this Christmas, take a look:
1) A swollen cheek can ruin everything.
So Sunday morning I woke up and my mouth felt funny, but as the day went on it became more and more puffy so I did the most natural thing which was googled the symptoms and then ran downstairs to my Mum in a panic and convinced I was going to get septicemia (Cheers google). ”It’s not swollen” my Mum lied to me which had me believing I was paranoid until my Dad took one look at me and said ”What’s wrong with your cheek?” before asking if I’d been punched when I went out the night before (I hadn’t, I’d just been dancing in a cage in a gay club). Anyway I was put on antibiotics and spent the next day in a foul mood, I was honestly like the grinch stomping around Asda with my Mum, albeit a Grinch who looked like they’d stuffed a balloon in his cheek.
Most people spend their Christmas drinking, but when my Mum asked what alcohol I wanted for Christmas I said ”I can’t drink!” because I was on antibiotics and didn’t want to spend Christmas on my back after one glass of shandy. Then my Mum started laughing at me in the middle of Asda when I said ”I look like I’ve been lamped!”. Fortunately, the swelling has started to go down and I no longer look like I’ve been in a fist fight, but my swollen face really made me miserable (as everyone who follows me on twitter will know).
2) Christmas shopping can be done quickly
I stayed at university until the twentieth because I had to work and also wanted to take advantage of the empty library. The second thing didn’t go exactly to plan as the most academic thing I did all week was attend a pub quiz, but I did get a load of books out! Anyway, I didn’t do any christmas shopping because I knew I’d have to drag it all back to Sheffield along with my books, folders, clothes and laptop so I decided to do it all on the saturday. This was a mistake because the saturday before christmas is known as ”Panic Saturday” which is where everyone loses their minds and starts panic buying like it’s Armageddon happening and not christmas.
I was prepared for the worst and stuck Disclosure’s ”Help me lose my mind on” and set off to town braced for the worst. Anyway, I arrived in town at ten am and left at 11:39 over £100 poorer but with my sanity intact. When I go shopping I already have in mind what I’m going to get so it’s the simple issue of finding it whilst resisting the temptation to elbow all the annoying shoppers in the face. The worst thing that happened when shopping was the shop assistant not IDing me for the whiskey I was buying for my Dad which left me wondering whether I should rush back to the shelves and buy some anti wrinkle cream, but other than that it was a complete breeze and I was so cheerful I donated money to every bucket collector I passed.
3) People don’t trust me when I buy them presents.
So I’m known to have quite a cheeky sense of humour and my secret santa on the welfare committee at university was the women’s officer who was given some jelly boobies and a egg shaper which puts your fried eggs into the shape of a penis. Now, last year I bought my friend a present which when she took home fell out of her bag, and when her Dad saw it he looked at it and walked out of the room (we’ll leave it at that). This year I text her as she’s on placement and warned her there was a package arriving at her house on christmas eve, and her first question was ”Can I open it in front of my parents?” too which I replied with the rather ambiguous answer of ”If you want to” (above you can see her response). She didn’t open them in front of her parents because she said ”Alarm bells started ringing” when I said ”If you want to”.
When I handed my other friend her Christmas presents she asked the same bloody question! ”Can I open this in front of my Mum?”. What I learned this christmas is that if I ever buy my friends christmas presents they will automatically assume the worst and think I’ve bought them something like nipple tassels or a spanking paddle, and not a mug for work shaped like a cupcake (and chocolate body paint).
4) Mariah makes everything alright
So on Christmas eve I wasn’t feeling very festive, and in the morning I needed to go to the shops to get Christmas cards. I hate giving christmas cards because I think they are a complete waste of time, but if I didn’t give my Mum one then she’d be gutted so I cave in to popular demand. I have this app on my phone where I can stream the UK’S top 40 so I decided to see if there was anything festive to get me in the mood. What can I say, one listen to ”All I want for Christmas is you” and I felt more jolly than St Nick himself, I practically skipped down the street. ”All I want for christmas is you” is the ultimate christmas song, and I don’t want to hear anyone say otherwise. The video is so cheery, and Mariah hits all the high notes and it’s just fabulous!
5) It really is the little things that make Christmas
Christmas is so commercial these days, but I realised it really is the little things that make it what it is. For me it was being reunited with my friends and requesting all the cheesey songs at someone’s 21st birthday which resulted in us doing the conga around the room to the bemusement of many people, and doing the cha cha slide whilst laughing hysterically. It was also being back home and having an afternoon nap on my bed with one of my cats. It was arriving back home from Loughborough to after my train was delayed and dragging my suitcase across Sheffield to my mum having my tea ready just in time for coronation street. It was seeing my dad for the first time in ages and still having the “You should be aiming for a first” conversation. Sure, the presents are awesome, but it’s the people you love and are loved by who make it special.