So last night I snapchatted people a picture of a bucket filled with condoms with the caption ”Hitting Hey Ewe armed with condoms” which someone took a screen shot of so it probably wasn’t clear that I was handing out condoms at Hey Ewe for Worlds Awareness Day and not intending going to go out and sleep with the entire male population of Hey Ewe. This is the first time I’ve done anything like that, and I learnt a couple of things as I was shaking my bucket at people.
1) People automatically assume you want money
When people see you shaking a bucket they automatically assume that you are asking for money, and people react very differently. For example, some people avoid all eye contact and attempt to march past you because as my friend said last might ”I don’t care if they think I’m a cunt as long as they don’t talk to me. I just keep my chin in the air”. However, I can appreciate that reaction. It’s a better reaction than the people who pull the fake apologetic face and say ”I have no change!” and I know they are lying to me because 1) You’ve just paid entrance fee into a club and who comes on a night out with no change and 2) I do the exact same thing myself when I see bucket collectors on nights out so I know all the dirty little tricks 😉
2) You really have to sell your product
So I realised shaking my bucket at people was proving ineffective so I took it up another level and started handing them out and most people seemed happy to take them once they realised they were free and I wasn’t going to demand money from them. Literally, once guys realised it was a condom I had handed them and not a sticker or a badge their faces lit up like Christmas had come a month early (in fairness, in their minds it probably had) and said ”Is this a condom!? Awh, sick!”. However, some people required a little more persuasion to take condoms and I really had to use my English degree to think of some creative ways to get people to take them, I think the best things I came up with is ”Do you like sex? Then it’s better to be safe than sorry” and ”This is the closest thing you’ll get to going bareback!”. When I ran out of condoms and I only had lube left I told people ”I’ve run out of condoms; I only have lube left. You’re just going to have to pull out” to which someone responded ”I don’t think that’s sound advice!”. I may have also joked that I’d stuck pins through them which was a mistake as I had to reassure one male about five times that I was only joking, and even then he threatened to come find me in nine months time if he had a son and make me pay child support.
On a serious note though, always use a condom.
Some people really don’t want condoms
In fairness, some people had a legitimate excuse for not wanting condoms ”I’m a lesbian!” but some people used the lame excuse of ”I already have some!” to which I only have the response ”It’s not possible to have too many condoms” because you never know, you may start getting loads of home runs after having a bad season and you want to be stocked up as possible. You don’t want to be bringing the bacon home only to discover you have got no oil (lube) to fry it in and some bread (condom) to put it in. Also, a lot of males told me that when they slept with girls the girl was often on the pill, well the pill doesn’t stop you getting STIS!