Freshers at Loughborough has just begun, and unfortunately I won’t be taking part of any in the tomfoolery occuring because I’m not making my grand return until Friday. Fortunately, I have considerate friends who have snapchatted me their antics and after watching a blurry ten second video clip of a room full of freshers singing ‘’We found love’’ in a dark room I realised that freshers is actually a horror movie. Here’s why:
1) You spend a lot of time in the dark.
I think part of the reason horror movies are set in the dark is simply to cut down on costs. I mean the vast majority of horror films go straight to dvd, which then fester at the bottom of (the slowly but surely going bust) HMV’s bargain bin. I’m sure there are some students who spend most of their time in the dark to save on electricity bills. But most freshers live in halls and the advantage of paying around 4 grand to sleep in a single bed and been charged extortionate amounts of money by their halls of residence to take bottle bins out is having all inclusive bills.
However, most freshers won’t take advantage of this and they will find their first year of university is primarily spent in the dark. Whether it’s skulking around a nightclub trying to have a conversation over chart music, spending the day with the curtains closed AND wearing sunglasses due to the many, many hangovers or the numerous blankspots caused by alcohol where memories should be, the fresher year is one where darkness prevails.
2) You will experience every bodily function possible.
If you are squeamish, then freshers is not for you because you will undoubtedly come into contact with every bodily function possilbe in the most stomach churning way. It will start from vomiting from alcohol but will undoubtedly escalate from there. Whether it is someone living on the floor below you taking a poo on a microwave plate and proceeding to microwave it, which will result in inhabitants of said block wearing suits similar to the ghostbusters for the duration of the year, to various people urinating in a dirty pint which someone then consumes, being a fresher requires a strong stomach.
3) You’ll be subjected to every torture possible.
Thankfully, nobody will subject you to the torture scene in Creep, but you will undoubtedly feel a new found empathy for Natalie Portman in her torture scene in V for Vendetta. Drinking games are the most perilous and you should only partake if you are 99% sure that you won’t have your flatmates carrying you to bed before taking a picture of you passed out on the floor/your bed and uploading it onto Facebook.
Then if you are crazy enough to join a sports team or drinking society then be prepared for the infamous initiations. I’ve witnessed groups of boys running past my window naked making grunting noises, boys rolling around on the floor talking about how they had to put an oreo up their bum and been told of naked boys gatecrashing a female sports team’s social.
4) Mum and Dad aren’t there to help you:
In horror movies the parents of the children whose friends are getting murdered always just seem to peace out without a care in the world and swan off on weekend breaks or go out for dinners that seem to take six hours. One thing you will realise during freshers is that you can’t call Mum and Dad to help you when you get that churning in your stomach after drinking that glass of spirits, beer and wine. You will also have to face the fact that when you inevitably succumb to fresher’s flu , you are pretty much on your own. Sure you can ask your flatmates to bring you paracetamol etc, but they won’t be there at 9:00pm to give you a hug and hold your hair back when your head is in a bucket – they’ll be at someone else’s (illness free) flat pre drinking!