So my summer has been amazingly uneventful so far, so much so that I’ve temporarily given up alcohol because I can’t face being hungover on one of my three days off. You don’t realise how precious your days off are when you spend Saturday AND Sunday hungover when you went out on the FRIDAY (for more information go to http://www.imgettingold.com). The highlights of my Friday nights are no longer cocktails on West Street but watching Coronation Street, cuddling my cat and being tucked up in bed by eleven. Consequently, I have been thinking of situations which are dangerous seeing as my life has become distressingly dull, and here they are:
1) Tescos at eight in the evening
So one evening I finished work early and made a detour to Tescos on my way home for some sardines (don’t ask), and I saw a crowd of people at the bottom of one of the aisles. Naturally, I was curious to see what the big crowd was for because it looked like it was about to become as aggressive as a group of adolescent girls at a One Direction concert (more about them later). As I reached the bottom of the aisle, I discovered Harry Styles and co had not decided to nip into Tesco before setting the loins alight of thousands of females at a sold out concert. Instead I found the object of desire was Tesco employee trying to get a load of reduced sandwiches onto the reduced section whilst at the same time trying to fend off a crowd of hungry people desperate to get their paws on a reduced cheese and pickle sandwich.
I know the economic climate is tough at the moment, and our budgets are a bit stretched, but if you are crowding around a very frightened looking Tesco’s employee, and almost fighting over a reduced sandwich in Tesco at eight o clock in the evening then you seriously need to reevaluate your life. I didn’t even bother sticking around to have a look at the reduced shelf because I genuinely thought that if I tried taking something off the shelf then it may result in my getting chased through the store by a crowd carrying torches and pitchforks.
2) Teenage girls in puberty
I think we all went through a phase in our teens when we were OBSESSED with a band/singer. Mine was Green Day, and that love affair lasted around four years right from when I was thirteen and up until I was seventeen and saw them live, and after that I hung up my fan girl jacket and Green Day suddenly went shit (Not saying the two incidents are related). However, whilst I may have been a super fan and got the t-shirt (and pencil case, and badges, and notebook which I refused to write on in case I ruined it), I can safely say that I was NEVER as obsessive as the Directioners, Beleibers, Monsters etc etc.
I’d like to focus on Directioners because they have recently been the subject of a documentary. Now, I didn’t watch the documentary, but I heard about it and I think it’s proof that adolescent girls can be very scary. If you dare insult One Direction then the hardcore fans hunt you down on Twitter and send you a couple of death threats, they run after the tour bus screaming and girls get taken out of their concerts because they’ve passed out. I didn’t see teenage boys sending Jay Z death threats when he married Beyonce, but as soon as Harry Styles gets a girlfriend Directioners have the yellow pages out and are looking up assassins.
3) A gig
I was watching the highlights of Leeds/Reading festival on tv last weekend, and part of me as wondering why the hell I didn’t buy myself a ticket, and another part of me was remembering just how violent gigs and festivals can become. For example, when I saw Green Day with my friend there was a point when she ended up wrestling with some girl at the barrier. One time at Give it a name (showing my age here), my friend dragged me into a mosh pit and to stop myself from falling down I grabbed onto the nearest thing, which happened to be the top of a girl which I pulled right down to her waist. Luckily, I got out of the way before she had time to react and punch me.
Then there is the whole Getting to the barrier thing. I remember when I as younger that my main goal at a gig as to get to the barrier, and I was successful every bloody time (I once was rewarded by getting to hold Oli Sykes’ hand *fan girl scream*). Whether it was skipping school to go queue for Green Day, or simply walking to the front of My American Heart’s almost empty gig, I was a complete barrier whore and got enough bruises for it. Now, I’m a little older I tend to lurk at the back near the bar, and watch people fighting to get to the front. Although, I have been rewarded for this when me and my friends saw Gustav Wood emerge from backstage to watch Your Demise; which resulted in us stalking him through the crowd and giggling like school girls (once a fan girl, always a fan girl).
4) In shopping centres.
Most towns and cities have a big shopping centre. London has Westfield, Manchester has Trafford Centre and Sheffield has Meadowhall, or as I call it, Meadowhell and it deserves its on special place in hell as far as I’m concerned. If you want to see human beings at their worst then go to a shopping centre on any weekend, or anytime during the January sales if you really want to weep for humanity.
Shopping Centres are awful because they are usually jam packed and full of people trying to get somewhere. I have lost count of the times I have been pushed past, had a pram run over my feet and almost broken my neck after almost tripping over a rogue child. On top of that, they are usually boiling because there is so many people crammed in one place; the air conditioning could be on setting ”Antarctic ” and people will still be walking around with sweat patches like they’ve run a marathon. You could take the most mild mannered person who has the patience of a Saint and place them in a shopping centre and watch them transform into something resembling an enraged baboon assaulting someone’s car in a safari park.
5) When it comes to football.
I don’t like football, and I’ve loved the last couple of months because it hasn’t been football season. However, one of the guys I work with has informed me that it is now football season again until May next year, and THEN it’s the World Cup and all I could think was ”Omg, someone please help me escape to a country where football is banned”.
Football makes people…..weird; people genuinely get distressed when their team doesn’t in like they were out on the pitch with the other eleven players when in fact they were swigging beer in the stands, or on the sofa. I have seen people on Facebook and Twitter after their team has lost, and it’s like someone has died. If a team has won I avoid going out because people go out and get absolutely smashed, and I feel like I’m in a night club in Brixton because I genuinely fear for my life.Then there are the football matches. I’ve only ever been one to one football match which was incredibly amateur as it was between two blocks in my hall at university, but I saw my mild mannered friend turn into something similar to an enraged bull as she roared ”C’MOOOOOOOOON DEF BLOCK!” across the pitch. At one point I actually thought she as going to bring out a gun and start taking out some of the opposition: she was that scary.
Even non football fans aren’t safe from its menacing effects. I forgot that football was being broadcast on ITV, so you can imagine my displeasure when I turned on the tv all ready to settle down and watch Coronation Street with my cats (crazy cat lady alert) and found it had been replaced by football. I’m not a football fan, so why am I being punished!?