Signs I’m not actually a female.

So I was in bed the other night, and after seeing a friend upload a photo of her nail art on Twitter, I started thinking of all the signs that could potentially mean I’m not a female (bar the obvious one). I wouldn’t say I’m particularly unfeminine, but at the same time, some things most girls love doing make me want to punch myself in the face. At this point I’d just like to point out that I’m well aware not ALL girls like the activities that I’m going to mention, but many do. So no having a go at me for being sexist or saying I’m being stereotypical because most of the time I’m a feminist crusader.

1) Nail Art

Totally practical if you never need to use your hands.

Totally practical if you never need to use your hands.

In the past year or so I’ve noticed a lot of girls going absolutely bonkers over nail art. Now, the most exciting thing I have ever done to my nails is paint them yellow which resulted in a shop assistant in H&M telling me ”I love your nail colour!”. High maintenance nails used to be those false acrylic nails which would only come off if you stuck your hand in acid, but now it’s evolved into girls pouring a year’s worth of glitter and tinsel onto their nails. Some girls’ nails honestly look like they have been assaulted by the cirque du soleil and then they upload a picture of the finished piece of they hand in this little claw pose (you know the one) which always confuses me for a second as I think they’re a Lady Gaga fan putting their ”Paws up”.

I honestly think the nails look amazing, but I just don’t have the time or desire to have my nails look like they just got into a fight with a Christmas tree. There is also the fact I use my hands a lot so said nail art would be lucky if it was still clinging onto my nails by the end of day one. I generally look at girls with fancy nail art as ladies of leisure whilst I’m a peasant getting down and dirty with my hands.

2) I take an hour shopping.

The quality of most high street clothes.

The quality of most high street clothes.

I like clothes and I like shopping, but I only go clothes shopping when I have something specific in mind and I make a point of going alone. No offence to any of my friends, but going shopping in a group usually makes me want to claw my eyes out because it takes a million times longer, and I’ll end up being taken to shops that I don’t particularly like, such as Topshop. When I go shopping, I go to a maximum of three shops, try on something I like, if it fits it’s coming home with me, if not then it’s going back on the rail. I don’t see the need to put a whole day aside for shopping, especially since the quality of high street goods is going down quicker than Nick CLegg’s popularity after the rise in tuition fees (Online shopping ftw).

3) Crude humour.

Apparently it's not just used in salads.

Apparently it’s not just used in salads.

Reading this blog, it is very apparent that I don’t mince my words, and some of my writing has even be described as ”quite out there”, and unfortunately, crude humour isn’t seen as very feminine. I mean only the other day I snapchatted a friend a picture of me holding a cucumber with the caption ”I wonder what I’m going to use this for”. I mean that’s disgusting, right? Girls aren’t supposed to do that. It’s not exactly lady like but I just couldn’t help myself, (to clarify, I used the cucumber in a salad). In fact, even today I was laughing about a food critic’s column being called ”eating out” (may explain why he visits a lot of sushi bars). I don’t think nice girls have this train of thought.

4) I don’t like TOWIE, The X factor


I think many of us agree that TOWIE and The X Factor’s primary demo graph is young females, but I would rather go shopping in a group. I don’t watch a lot of tv in generally, but such programmes in particular (bar Geordie Shore which is my guilty pleasure) leave my blood cold. TOWIE isn’t even real and makes you feel bad about yourself because most of them are good looking and rich, and The X Factor is just a joke now. The X Factor should have been cancelled when Simon left because we all know that he is the only important one, and whenever people watched it, it was for his opinion, but for some reason it refuses to die.

5) I don’t like talking a lot.

How I look until 12:00 in the afternoon.

How I look until 12:00 in the afternoon.

Studies have shown that women tend to talk more than men (around 20,000 compared to men’s 13,000), but whatever part of the brain that controls that must think I’m a male because I only talk when I have something to say, and on some days I could bet my word count is UNDER 10,000. This isn’t because I don’t like being around people, but simply because I don’t feel the need to fill silences, and I actually enjoy them. Also, the fact I’m not the world’s best morning person probably explains why my word count is potentially so low, I need people to wait till at least 11:00 am before they start having a conversation with me about important things because until that point I’m most likely sleeping with my eyes open.


One thought on “Signs I’m not actually a female.

  1. Love this post! Finally I know I’m not the only female which does not exhibit typical womanly behaviour (i.e. I don’t like pink and mindless window shopping and my sarcasm is often translated as being mean/rude).

    Looking forward to your next one.

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