Five phrases that are never great to hear.

There are some phrases which are great to hear, ”You’re all done” after spending five minutes gritting your teeth when getting a new piercing and ”Would you like a cup of tea?”. However, I’ve discovered there a lot of phrases that make my heart sink. Whilst they have not been too dramatic like ”You failed second year” or ”You’re sacked” but nevertheless they aren’t fantastic to hear:

1) ”I work as a bouncer in the Union.”

Me desperately trying to recall my nights out.

Me desperately trying to recall my nights out.

So when I started my job last month I started talking to one of the guys, and it as all great because we both bonded over how tough it is being a Northerner at university. Now, imagine my horror when he says ”I also work as a bouncer in the union”. My face literally went like Raven’s off That’s so Raven when she has a psychic vision as my entire night life at university flashed before my eyes. There were many questions I wanted to ask, such as ”Have you ever encountered me when you’ve been working?” and ”If so, did you have the misfortune of speaking to me?”.>However, I finally settled upon  ”What’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen when working” which to my relief he didn’t reply ”You” and I decided ignorance is definitely bliss and chose not to bother inquiring if he’d ever seen me, and left some of the dark spots in my memory blank.

2) ”What’s that in the cat’s mouth?”

How many birds my cat has killed.

How many birds my cat has killed.

A phrase uttered by my Mum as we both stood looking out of the patio doors at our cat which was bounding towards us with something looking suspiciously like a corpse of a small animal. When we both confirmed for each other that our cat had been on a murder spree and was bringing home the booty, it was a race to shut the patio doors before raisimg more screams in our household than One Direction in a room full of girls by dropping said corpse at our feet.I appreciate that my cat killing animals and bringing them home is a good thing because it shows he see us as his family. However, I’ve seen more dead mice, birds and baby rabbits to last me a life time. I think my cat may be the sole cause of the decline in the local bird population.


3) Where’s the hamster


A few months ago my Mum brought home a hamster called Harry because nobody wanted him. My Mum adores Harry so you can imagine how distressed she was when she said to me ”Where’s the hamster?” when it became apparent he was not in his cage. It soon became clear one of his tubes had dislodged resulting in his escape, and the race was on to find him since the feline version of Jack the ripper takes residence in our house.Fortunately, Harry was discovered. He was found in a vase, and he had a spot of blood on his head which suggests he came face to face with the feline version of Jack the ripper and was at the receiving end of a stab to head before crawling to safety.


4) ”We’re thinking of going on holiday”

What my Mum will bring me home.

What my Mum will bring me home.

At first, this looks like a great phrase to hear; who doesn’t love going on holiday!? Unfortunately,  when my Mum said this to me I knew we included her and her partner and not me. I knew this because my sister is going away on the EXACT SAME week and my Mum will want someone here to look after the house, two cats, hamster and a rabbit. So this wasn’t a great phrase to hear because I’m longing to escape England for a little while, but don’t worry; my Mum has promised to bring me some sweets back (this makes up for me not going abroad apparently).

5) ”I’m going to be sick”

My friend got into a fight with Smirnoff and lost.

My friend got into a fight with Smirnoff and lost.

Five words which nobody wants to hear on a night out. One night out I decided to take my friend home on a night out after I left the cage I was dancing in and found her sat asleep at a table whilst everyone was dancing around her, and I figured it was best to escort her out myself before a bouncer did. After bundling her into a taxi she fell asleep again, only to suddenly wake up on the way home saying ”Stop the car! I’m going to be sick!” to which the taxi stopped and she threw herself against the door and then fell out and smacked her head on the curb.

At that point she just lay there motionless and after ensuring she wasn’t dead I dragged her back into the taxi and got her home. The next day she was sporting an absolute shiner which one of our friends thought was a result of her being punched ”No, just shit faced”. Classy.




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