Signs You’re British.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Britishness over the past week, and a lot of it is to do with the birth of Prince George. It was like Beyoncé giving birth all over again because people were acting like the royal birth was the second coming of Jesus. I’m happy Prince George is healthy, but I do think there are more important things going on in the world, and to be honest I think the monarchy will go downhill when Queen Elizabeth comes off the throne.

What I found funny was how some people were rejoicing over Prince George and others were saying how the fact there was thunder and lightning when he was born made them think of ”The Omen”. It shows that being British does not mean you support the monarchy which got me thinking about things that make people British, such as:

1) You drink before you go out drinking.

Newcastle's local zoo.

Newcastle’s local zoo.

Booze Britain is what we are known as abroad. I’d say it’s because our city centres turn into zoos on nights out, but that is offensive to zoo animals because I’m pretty sure they don’t vomit on pavements or flash their genitals to random passers by. Nothing marks someone out as British more than their desire to pack a way a bottle of wine/vodka before going out drinking. This of course is down to our culture of going out for the sole purpose of getting drunk, and unless you’re in the North where you can buy a quadvod for £1.80 then you need a bottle of Tesco’s value vodka to lead you down the garden path to drunkenness so you don’t break the bank when you’re out in town.

2) You diet before going on holiday.

What I look like by the end of my holiday.

What I look like by the end of my holiday.

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This again refers back to Britain's inability to not overindulge. When us Brits go on holiday we do three things: eat, drink and sunbathe. Now a week or two weeks of non stop boozing and eating with only walking to the bar from the pool being our daily exercise means that Brits risk being harpooned if they dare venture onto the beach towards the end of our holiday. As a result we have to options: moderate how much we drink and eat on holiday which is unfathomable to us Brits who believe holidaying is all about over indulgence from drinking our body weight in alcohol to wandering around foreign shopping centres in our swim wear, or go on a crash diet.

A true sign of Britishness is if you embark upon a crash diet in an attempt to lose ten pounds in a month which you'll regain aall of in your one week abroad. This is of course not only down to being able to overindulge but also nailing that dreaded swim wear profile photo for facebook.

3) You’ve used social networking sites to talk about the weather.

Just a normal day in Britain.

Just a normal day in Britain.

Admittedly, Britain’s relationship with the weather is one where the latter blows hot and cold, literally. One day the people of Britain are basking in the warm glow of the sun convinced that all is right with the world and then suddenly it’s all grey skies and thunder clouds. We never know where we stand or what clothes are safe to wear that day. Just like most people do when they are having relationship problems, they don’t move on (i.e emigrate to a kinder climate), we share our feelings about it on social networking sites. As soon as there is sunshine we’re praising the weather to high heaven, telling the world how much we love it, and when there is rain the whole of my Facebook newsfeed sinks into a deep depression. People act like it’s the olden days where people don’t have windows because you got taxed for having them, so they feel the need to inform the world whenever there’s a change in the weather.


4) You don’t like the government.

Saying what we're all thinking...

Saying what we’re all thinking…

One thing that is notable about the British is that we hate the government, no matter which party is in power;this is partly because most of our government come from the ”Old boys” clubs and have as much idea of what it is like to live in the real world as Barbie and Ken. However, whilst the British people more often than not hate the government, we never do anything about it. The Middle East has been overrun with protestors fighting their government, and the Spanish almost declared war on their government when they mentioned getting rid of their siesta. Britain, however, does nothing more than write in a vaguely annoyed letter to their newspaper and then go down to the pub to do some more complaining.

5) You get really involved in sport if it’s a final

Pippa loves Wimbledon because she gets to sit in the Royal box even though she's not royalty.

Pippa loves Wimbledon because she gets to sit in the Royal box even though she’s not royalty.

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Britain is funny when it comes to sports, half of the time the majority of us are quite apathetic when it comes to sports, but as soon as the world cup/Wimbledon/the Olympics come around we're all sports fanatics. People who I have never even heard mention the word ''tennis'' were suddenly Wimbledon crazy, although, I'm not sure whether it was the tennis they cared about or the fact that this meant they had an excuse to eat strawberries and cream. The same applies to whenever there's a World cup or a big premiership game; I never know whether people genuinely care or whether it's just an excuse for them to go out and get pissed after. Maybe us Brits get so excited about big games in sport because if we win we get to go out and celebrate by doing our national sport: drinking.

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