Signs you need to call it a night.

With some people finishing exams/their degrees, it is inevitable that some people are going to hit the bottle hard in the hopes of blowing off some steam. However, after a period of stress, some people will hit the bottle too hard and many will relive that night where they peaked at eight o clock in the evening before starting to chunder prior to getting carried home by three people.

I am here to prevent you from reliving that shameful night, so here are five signs you need to take yourself home.

1) You start hugging everybody.

She needed to go home a long time ago.

She needed to go home a long time ago.

When you’re on a night out, the common way to greet your friend when you spot them is to open your mouth really wide you’re a python who has just unhinged its jaw and kind of run at them with your arms wide open, like they’ve just come back from war. This is slightly excessive, but understandable as you’ve had a couple of drinks and thus your inhibitons have been lowered a little bit (or a lot). However, if you are doing this to EVERYONE, from people you met once on a night out three months ago to someone you’ve just been introduced to then it may be time to think about how much you’re drinking.

2) You start thinking you’re Lil Wayne

Shaggy trying to understand his own song.

Shaggy trying to understand his own song.


Everyone sings along to songs on a night out, when someone’s favourite song comes on they pull an orgasm face and then close their eyes whilst singing along to it. However, you know you’ve had too much when you start trying to rap along to whatever rap song comes on. I have had the pleasure of a friend rapping Chris Brown’s ”GIRL, I WANNA FUCK YOU RIGHT NOW” in Birthday Cake before bending me over in front of her (no homo).

This isn’t fantastic, but at least Chris Brown sounds like he is rapping in English. Last night I found myself trying to rap along to Shaggy which is impressive, but impossible because nobody in the history of ever has any idea what Shaggy is saying in any of his songs. I’m not even convinced Shaggy knows what he’s saying, he’s like Sean Paul’s crazy drunk uncle.

3) Verbal Diarrhea

What you and your friends do the next morning.

What you and your friends do the next morning.


This is where things start getting serious.Verbal diarrhea is where someone goes from being mildly tipsy and cringey to straight out embarrassing. I have had friends have their housemates shout ”SHE’S IN LOVE WITH YOU!” to barmen trying to serve her. I have told barmen that if they were single my friend would ”drag them over the counter” and likened someone to a model. I have had a friend sit and tell the whole smoking area about how her battery operated device which can be purchased from Ann Summers was ”disappointing” and that ”the real thing is better”.

Verbal Diarrhea is bad, and is proof that alcohol removes that filter which stops us saying things we may be thinking but shouldn’t say to save our dignity. If you find yourself spilling things that when you remember you’ll put your head in your hands, then go home.

4) You really start having to pay attention to where your feet are going.

What I sometimes feel I'm walking on.

What I sometimes feel I’m walking on.

Once the police were at the Union and they were letting people try on beer goggles and asking them to walk in a straight line. Now, I tried this and my straight line resembled a circle, and my response was ”Well, I definitely don’t walk like this, even if I’ve had quite a bit to drink”. However, there have been nights where walking down stairs has required that extra bit of concentration, and where I’ve found myself swaying when I was stood still (not a great feeling). If you find that when you are walking, you feel like you are walking on stilts, then the only place you should be walking is back home to your bed.

5) Fried food is looking far too tempting.

Equivalent to taking a male back, apparently.

Equivalent to taking a male back, apparently.

There is a reason why fast food establishments are near clubs, and it’s because drunk people go there in their droves after a night out to combat the beer munchies. One night recently I decided to go home early, and my friend who was incredibly drunk came back with me and said ”I want a Papa Si’s!” and then made that dribbling noise/face that Homer Simpson makes. Although, said friend has something of a love affair with Papa Si’s greasy food and once likened taking his food back home after a night out to taking a male back (“The best thing I’ve took back this year is a Papa Si’s!”). If you are on the dancefloor, and you’re getting excited about getting takeout then go home! with or without fried food.

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