Why All Children Should Go to State Schools.

There is a Facebook page called ”Things State School Student’s Wont Say” which I find hilarious and also incredibly accurate. It does, however, make state schools sound like they are shacks built in the middle of ghettos creating the next generation of criminals. However, after thinking about this page a lot I came to the conclusion that all children should go to state schools, because they are character building and there is a fifty percent chance (if they make it out alive) that they emerge from a state school education as an intelligent and well rounded individual (the other fifty percent chance is they will emerge a criminal). Here’s why:

1) State schools make hardy individuals.

State school dinners.

State school dinners.

I like to think I’m hardy because I am from the North, because in the north the weather is treacherous, the hills are practically vertical and we have yet to receive running water and WIFI. We have to walk miles to the nearest well for water, and for internet we get a satellite dish,stick it on our laptop, sit on the top of the steepest hill and try and make a connection.

It would, however, be impossible not to attribute some of my hardiness to my state school. After all, this was a place where the school dinners make Imago look like fine dining and you were always gambling with your life when walking into a science classroom because people were always turning the gas pipes on. You only realised when you smelt something funny and suddenly had a massive headache. If you survive the physical perils of a state school then you are pretty much Herculean.

2) State schools make the next generation’s best inventors.

What state school students use to joust.

What state school students use to joust.

State schools are a hot bed of the next generation’s best inventors. The compass in maths classes are usually used to draw circles, but state school kids saw that they also saw that they made fantastic weapons, and thus Maths classes became jousting classes as children spent more time trying to stab each other in the leg than learning about how to draw a circle.

The inventions don’t stop there either. It is a well known fact that sending a supply teacher into a state school classroom is like sending a lamb to the slaughter; this is because state school children take supply teachers even less seriously than their regular teachers. State school children are always inventing new ways to make supply teachers cry; they start of lightly by doing the obligatory ‘make up a rude name” game when the blank piece of paper that is meant to be the register is passed round, but it rapidly goes downhill from there. As well as finding new ways to inflict physical pain, they also find ways to inflict irreversible emotional pain as well.

3) State Schools teach the importance of teamwork.

How many students to one book.

How many students to one book.

At university they stress the importance of teamwork by making you do group projects and group essays (the latter is true, I had to do one this year). Nobody at university likes doing group work because there is always one person who ends up carrying the group, and it is even worse when you get a bad mark because it may not be your fault.

State school children hate group work the most because we’ve been doing it for years. In our overcrowded and underfunded classrooms we had to share a book (which will have had penises scrawled all over it) between two, or three, or four people. Then there are the times when your friend is going to push someone over so you have to crouch behind the victim to ensure that actually crash to the floor. Teamwork is ingrained in state schools.

4) They have vocational skills.

The kid on a playground's motto.

The kid on a playground’s motto.

Pupils from a state school have a particular set of skills; skills they have acquired a wide over a long time in state school education. Skills which make them a nightmare for people who didn’t. From learning to be cunning by putting their earphones through their blazer sleeve and leaning on their hand to listen to music in class to learning to hustle by selling crisps and sweets on the playground at break. State school children don’t just learn academia, but valuable life skills which will ensure that they can survive if they ever hit hard times.

5) If they make it into university, you’ll know your kid is pretty special.

Smug Life: When you make it through a state school AND get into university.

Smug Life: When you make through a state school AND into university.

If a state school child can make it through having to fight to see the textbook in class, spending maths lessons preventing someone from drawing blood from their leg and food which probably made Jamie Oliver weep AND make it to university then you will know that your child is not only reasonably smart but also worldly wise.

If they fail to get onto a grad scheme they can become a wheeler dealer type and start hustling. You won’t have to worry about them being beaten up as they will have survived gas poising and state school dinners. You won’t have to worry about them making friends as they have spent years working in teams due to sharing textbooks. Your child will be a well rounded individual.


2 thoughts on “Why All Children Should Go to State Schools.

    • I think you may have taken this post a little too seriously. Obviously, I don’t think state schools are a breeding ground for criminals; I went to a state school myself. I’m simply making fun of the perceptions some people have of state schools by exaggerating them.

      However, to answer your question, no. I say no because grammar schools tend to have a higher proportion of middle class students compared to comprehensives which usually has a higher proportion of working class. The working class is, typically, usually the class that is linked to crime the most; this is a view society has had for centuries. It’s certainly not a view I agree with, but it is still true society typically has this view.

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