I’m currently sat on a canal bank in Loughborough on a Sunday afternoon, and I’m listening to Bloc Party and it’s actually quite warm even though the grass is a bit damp. Until a an hour ago this could have been any other Sunday, but it’s not, because today my Grandad died.
It doesn’t feel particularly real because I’m here in Loughborough and my family are all in Leeds or Sheffield, but I know it is. This may explain when I found out that I didn’t burst into tears but instead felt weighed down by this heavy sadness, because there’s nobody here to share the grief with.
This is something I could have announced on Facebook, but I have always been quite guarded about my personal relationships as they are precious to me. It feels much more appropriate to dedicate a blog post to my Grandad than a status, because it feels much more personal and I tend to
assume that the people who read my blog are friends or are people who care for me on some level. So here it is:
My Grandad always had a bread bun with butter on jam on it for breakfast, my Grandad played on game consoles every evening after dinner; he started with a Saga and eventually progressed to a Playstation 2. He smoked a pipe and he used to tell me stories when I was little about his life. My Grandad used to drive us to all these different parks to walk around on nice days. My Grandad was a quiet man, but when he found something really funny he had a big belly laugh. After my Grandma and Grandad married they never spent a night apart until he got ill and had to go into hospital.
I’ll have to go back home at soon for the funeral, and I’m actually really scared. I’m scared because I’ll see people crying, and I’m scared because after feeling quite low for the past few weeks I had finally started to feel like my old self again, and I don’t want to feel sad again. I joked at the beginning of the year when I was infected with the Norovirus and had my head stuck in a bin for a day that this was a sign 2013 was not going to be a good year, but the joke’s really not funny anymore. I don’t like 2013.