During the US elections, I spent a lot of time wondering if Mitt Romney would have the same policies if he was a woman (the answer: no), which got me thinking about the world if men could get pregnant and this is what I came up with:
1) Contraception would be 100% effective
Currently, there is no contraceptive that is 100% effective. Condoms are about 98% effective but there’s still a chance you can end up pushing a pram down the street nine months down the line. Now a lot of people say if men could get pregnant then abortions would be more readily available, and that’s a lie; if men could pregnant contraception would be 100% baby proof and it would be available everywhere. Also, it would be in the form of a pill which you don’t have to take everyday and one which wouldn’t mess with your hormones by turning you into a nervous wreck. Men would be able to take it once a month and live in knowledge that there is no way they’ll be impregnated.
2) There would be a lot of absences during ”that time of the month”
You know how a lot of males act like they’re on their death beds when they get man flu? Well if they had to deal with the menstrual cycle then the world would just collapse. David Cameron would be sacking off meetings with world leaders in favour of curling up on the sofa watching mean girls whilst clutching a hot water bottle. You’d see men bent over double clutching their sides as they make their way to the shop for chocolate. If men can’t handle a bit of flu then the world would be screwed if they had to deal with a bit of cramping every month. Although, saying that, they’d probably make a pill to make it all pain free.
3) They would be much clingier after sex.
The general stereotype of what men do after sex is that they roll over and go to sleep, and if it’s a one night stand then you’ll never hear from them again after they’ve climbed out of your window at 5:00 am whilst you are still asleep. However, this would all change if men could get pregnant, and this would be due to Oxytocin: the hormone that is released in girls after sex which makes them feel more attached to their partner. Suddenly, males would be wanting lots of cuddles after sex, and they’d be ringing you up after your night of passion wanting to meet up and talk about their feelings. Alternatively, they’d just create a pill that stops the release of oxytocin and carry on like they always have.
4) Baby Weight would be celebrated.
You know how women always feel a need to get back to their old weight after having a baby? Men would not care about this because they’d see it as some form of a trophy showing that they were man enough to survive child birth. Men would be boldly proclaiming ”I gained twenty pounds!” and rubbing their post baby stomach. There would be no rushing to weight watchers meetings, there would instead be lots of self indulgence because they deserve it! Then if they wanted to lose it, there’d be a pill which would magically make it all disappear!
5) The population would decrease.
I’ve yet to have the pleasure of giving birth, but my Mum said ”It was the worst pain I have experienced, make sure you have an epidural!” which didn’t exactly increase my desire to have children, but if child birth is really that bad then if men could get pregnant then the population size would decrease drastically! Men would go through it once and then never again: China’s ”One child per person” policy would be a worldwide thing, because men are not good with pain….