How to be good in bed.

I was wary about publishing such a bold post, but I let some friends read it before I posted it and they deemed it appropriate enough for my blog. So here it is. I was inspired to write about sexual skills after reading a post entitled “12 signs you need to get laid” which resulted in me getting called “outrageous” for sharing, even though I didn’t write it! Basically, I was thinking about just because you are having a lot of sex doesn’t necessarily mean you are good in bed. You’ll never really know unless someone heaps praise on you, but here is a basic guide on how to be semi decent:

1) Watch a lot of porn.

Porn: teaching you all you need to know about sex.

One of the ways you can guarantee you’ll be good in bed is if you watch a lot of porn, and make sure you take it as the gospel. Guys, girls have no gag reflex so it’s perfectly acceptable to ram her head down there and we’re all able to contort our bodies into positions that would make our Mother blush. Girls, every guy is hung like a horse and will throw you around like a rag doll. Basically, porn is the perfect way to start your sexual education as it is a good indicator of what sex will be like: rough with a gymnastics that are worthy of a gold medal at the Olympics.

2) Stick to what you know and like.

This is the result when you’re closed minded.

Once you’ve figured out what you like in bed: STICK TO IT. What makes someone good in bed is knowing what they like and refusing to consider any other methods or techniques. Sex is all about you and what you enjoy, so make what YOU like clear to your partner because sex is not a shared experience, but one where you reach heights of sexual pleasure through your tried and tested ways. The best way to find out what you like is to watch a lot of porn (which is completely representative of real life) and then use this technique again and again. Remember, variety is only the spice of life if you’re making food, not sexy time.

3) If you’re a girl, adopt the starfish position.

This is the position that will keep a guy coming back.

If you’re a girl then a guy has obviously worked very hard to get you into bed, so therefore you can lie back and adopt the starfish position. After all, he should be privileged to be having sex with you! Now I know I said porn should be watched to educate you on what to do, but we all know that porn stars are a bit butters and if you’re at least average looking you don’t have to bother with putting in any effort. Your partner in crime under your duvet will be so amazed they are having sex with you that all you need to do is lie spread eagled and let them do all the work, whilst you lie there looking attractive and completely into it.

4) Adopt the same technique for everyone.

A rose and a sickly love poem: what every man wants instead of foreplay

Once you’ve found a technique that works on one person, then do not adapt it to the next person you have sex with. I mean, humans are essentially all the same right? So your tried and tested technique is bound to work, and if you’ve been watching enough porn then you’ll have picked up some tips and tricks that translate really well into real life! So remember, we’re all the same so stick to your technique like Taylor Swift sticks to writing about her broken heart (which apparently she can never mend) and you’ll be fine.

5) Do not communicate

What to do if you’re having bad sex.

Just like Matthew Mcconaughey said in Sex and the city: ”We’re made up of head, heart and loins. We’re talking about using them” which means no time for talking, so do not communicate to your partner about whether you’re loving or hating it. In fact, if it’s the latter you can just stare at the ceiling, mentally go through your to do list or check your emails on your phone until it’s over. At the end of the day, if you’re not enjoying it then it’s clearly their fault and not yours for speaking up.

6) Remember it’s quantity over quality

How many people you should aim to sleep with.

When it comes to sex, it’s important to remember that how many lovers you’ve had will directly correlate with how good you are in bed. It’s crucial to get through as many lovers as possible as it shows people want to sleep with you. Forget about developing your techniques by sleeping with person, technique can only be improved by hopping into as many beds as possible. Don’t be bothered about the fact nobody wants to have round two with you even if you offer it to them on a plate; they’ve clearly too intimidated by how good you are in bed and can’t face being shown how bad they are.

7) Be confident about your sexual health.

The face you pull when someone suggests going to the sexual health centre.

Being great in bed is all about being confident in your sexual health which means knowing you’re clean and knowing you don’t need to take any sti tests. After all, sexually transmitted diseases are just horror stories concocted by society to stop people having sex, so ignore any sign you may have a sexual transmitted disease and just put it down to being a little bit run down. So carry on having unsafe sex, especially if you’re having casual sex and be safe in the knowledge that you will never get a sexually transmitted disease.


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