Why you are like James Bond on a night out.

Ahhhh nights out! Sometimes they make you feel like a hero and others you see alcohol as the destroyer of your world. But let’s talk about the times you feel like a hero:

1) You have a mission

James Bond just found out his next mission is to survive ring of fire.

Post fresher year, nobody really goes out unless there is a mission, and such missions include blowing off essay/exam stress, celebrating someone’s birthday or simply wanting to have a couple of hours of darkness where memories should be. Just like Mr Bond, we are usually given a brief of our mission before being thrown into it, and then carnage ensues.

2) You will go to a foreign place

Night clubs: Not quite as culturally enriching as the places James Bond travels to.

James Bond goes to Russia, and India. You go to your local nightclub. Of course, it doesn’t sound exotic but when you have been drinking your local dive is transformed into this magical wonderland where great music is played and it’s so dark you don’t notice how dirty the walls are. For a few hours you can pretend you’ve been transported somewhere wonderful, that is until you walk past the boy’s toilets and the smell (which is what I imagine death smells like) has you come crashing back down to earth.

3) You will lose someone along the way

The similarities between your friend and James Bond: none of them are getting blanks fired at them.

If you are James Bond then it’s given that a couple of your friends will end up with a couple of bullets in them. I’m not saying your friends will end up getting shot (although that depends on which clubs you are frequenting), but it’s inevitable you will lose a friend along the way on a night out. Some pull and go home, and others simply stumble off into the crowd never to be seen again. Fortunately, unlike Bond you will hear your friends speak again like when they are asking if you have any condoms the morning after because they have run out, or explaining how they didn’t take a taxi home, they were took home in security’s van.

4) There is always an impossibly hot male/female

He’s just felt his ass begin to swallow his trunks.

This impossibly hot specimen is you, on the dancefloor, shaking your thang to all the hits of the UK top 40. Forget Halle Berry, forget Daniel Craig strolling along the beach in those trunks so tiny it looks like his butt has eaten them; you are hotter than them and all the photos your friends are taking to be uploaded onto Facebook the next day will be proof.

There is always a villain

”Mirror mirror on the wall who’s the biggest villain of them all? Oh, me after tequila shots”

Just like James Bond, you will encounter villains on a night out. Sometimes it will be the friend who squeezed the bouncer’s bum and then pretended it was you, sometimes it will the friend who buys you a shot even though you’re protesting you’re beyond your limit. However, there is one villain you will always encounter on a night out, and you see them everytime you look in a mirror: you. Whether it’s downing that tequila shot that will lead to your demise, deciding to go out on an empty stomach (been there got the shameful t-shirt) or simply harassing a bouncer by singing One Direction songs at him even when he tries to move you away, the biggest enemy on a night out will always be yourself.

6) It’s always shaken, not stirred

How you feel the next morning when you try and sit up.

Mr Bond always has a martini “shaken, not stirred” and whilst it is unlikely you will be sipping on a martini in your local club something will definitely be shaken, and that is you the next morning when you wake up. I’ve even had the pleasure of waking up shivering after one particularly wild night. If you’ve had a good night then you will be shaken like Mr Bond’s martini

There is always a sequel

We may not jump off buildings like Mr Bond, but we definitely feel like we’re in free fall on nights out.

Just like Mr Bond, once you have finished one mission you’re then it’s not long before you are called back. Of course, James Bond’s missions involve him saving lives, not destroying his own down his local club but what you both have in common is that you both like putting your lives in danger. However he endangers his life for the greater good, you endanger yours for tequila shots.


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