How to become famous

The other day I was sat in the library thinking about my degree and what career I’d like to have when I graduate. In an ideal world The Times would pay me lots of money for a weekly column or I’d be the editor of Glamour Magazine, you know, nice attainable goals. However, if in the unlikely event don’t become a big name in the journalism world (it’s not like it’s a competitive industry or anything), I started thinking about other alternatives like becoming a Z list celebrity, and if you too have considered it then you might want to read this:

1) Get filmed on a night out.

Fame comes at a price: your dignity.

I haven’t watched television in a while but it seems like is that one of the quickest ways to become famous is to get drunk and have someone film you for the privilege. The few episodes I’ve watched of Geordie Shore consisted of a LOT of alcohol being consumed and people throwing up, weeing themselves and farting in a guys face. I’m not sure how any of those things warrant the culprits being allowed to open a club and have an interview with Closer but apparently it does. So the next time you’re out, give your friend a video camera, down ten tequila shots and send the end result in to MTV and you’ll be opening up that hot new club in Slough in no time.

2) Have a sex tape ”leaked”

Tulisa rating her video out of ten.

Paris did it, Kim did it and soon you will if you want to have worldwide fame. Of course, it’s worth noting that Miss Hilton and Miss Kardashian were already well known socialites with million of dollars in the bank before their tapes were released, but their amateur porn star attempts certainly made them household names. For the average person, releasing a sex tape will probably get a Tulisa contostavlos response in that for some it will result in a ”sexiest person” award if your sexual skills are critically acclaimed, or mocking if your video is panned for having ”shit technique”. However, as long as you don’t wear a pink tracksuit and hoop earrings like Tulisa did in her video then I’m sure you’ll be fine.

3) Say you’re hot

Samantha Brick: the world’s best troll.

If you don’t want to show of your oral skills to the world then the next best thing is to write an article saying you’re fit and everyone hates you for it. After you have done that then send it to the Daily Mail to publish a la Samantha Brick style. It’s worth noting that this will result you in being publicly slammed and ridiculed by the entire nation if you’re not the equivalent of a Greek God, and if you are then people will hate you anyway because, well, the truth hurts. However, if you can withstand the abuse that will be hurled at you like piss bottles at You Me At Six playing their set at Download festival then you will be rewarded handsomely! What awaits you after the backlash is more offers to write for the Daily Mail (who are not capitalising on your public humiliation in any way), an appearance on This Morning and a stint on ”Big Brother”. You’ll have gone straight from no list to Z list! Welcome to the overcrowded club, and if you feel your status slipping then get yourself on ”I’m a celebrity get me out of here!”

4) Make friends with Twitter

Twitter: Get your boxing gloves at the ready.

Twitter is mandatory if you want to become famous because for one it allows you to see how well known you are becoming in terms of how many followers you have. However, Twitter is also where dirty laundry is aired and beef is made; you’re not famous unless you’ve had a huge Twitter rant about your ex where you’ve let the world know all about their sordid sex habits. Remember your life needs to be a controversial open book to help make up for the fact you have no talent to speak of (unless getting hideously drunk or having sex on camera counts). Also, make sure you have at least one fight on Twitter, preferably with someone more famous than you so you can leech off their fame. No having twitter fights with irrelevant hoes!

5) Use Instagram

Instagram fanatic Rihanna showing the world she’s a bad ass, because she’s smoking weed in her hotel room which costs thousands of dollars a night….

I didn’t know what Instagram was until certain celebrities on Twitter (Rihanna) got hold of it and RAN with it, but if you want to be famous then you’re going to have to jump aboard the already packed bandwagon and begin perfecting your duck face for your followers. Instagram isn’t restricted to self portraits though, if you want to be a little bit hipster then you should make sure you instagram all your meals because NOBODY will have seen Chinese food or a cheesecake before! Instagram needs to be INGRAINED into your everyday life so all your devoted followers can fawn over your fascinating life.

6) Do lots of interviews about your life.

Closer: always at the forefront of cutting edge issues.

Whether it’s television or a magazine, make sure you’re doing lots of them and telling everyone about your life because it certainly will not be about your non existent talent. Whether you opt for the Katie ”OMG, I HAVE A NEW MAN!” Price or the Peter ”I LOVE MY KIDS” Andre approach, make sure you’re as open as possible and feel no shame in bad mouthing someone. If you have kids and have broken up from their Mother/Father then make sure to reveal everything about their relationship; who cares that your child will read all about it when they are older!? You need to stay relevant!

7) Get Kanye West to interrupt you

Kanye: a platform to B list.

Remember back in 2009 when Kayne got his knickers in a twist because Taylor Swift won ”video of the year” at the MTV video music awards and gatecrashed her speech by snatching the microphone out of Taylor’s hand, went on a rant telling everyone Beyonce should have won and then barged off the stage? Well you need to arrange something like this, because that incident Taylor.blew.up. Kanye interrupting Taylor was the making of her career, and I don’t want to hear anybody denying that because before that incident I was not hearing about Taylor Swift, I was not hearing about any of her music and then suddenly she was everywhere.Of course, you won’t be winning many awards unless there’s one for ”Z lister of the year” so you’d probably be better just dating him. After all, it worked for Kim.


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