Halloween Special: How to survive Serial Killers

Happy Halloween everyone!I hope that if you are out trick or treating that you manage to scavenge enough sweets to rot your teeth and make your dentist weep, and if you are out partying I sicerely hope that if you manage to get lucky that your stride of pride the next morning is worth it as you make home with the morning traffic covered in body paint and blood.The topic of this blog post is serial killers, now serial killers are very popular in horror movies but if you find yourself being hunted by a madman with an axe (and I sincerely hope you don’t) then here is a guide to surviving.

1) Observe the trends

If a serial killer was after girls who looked like this, I’d be sleeping soundly at night.

If there’s a serial killer on the loose then I cannot stress the importance of looking at the victims and seeing if you could potentially be the next one.For example, if there was a serial killer loose in my neighborhood and all the victims were blonde cheerleading types then I’d be be sleeping easily at night. However, if they were after English students who partied to much then I’d have bodyguards around me 24/7 and I’d be sleeping with a baseball bat. You can save yourself a lot of stress if you observe the trends, and whilst it doesn’t mean you’re completely safe if you don’t fit the bill, it does mean you’re safer than others.

2) Work out which stereotype you are

If you’re a non white and a serial killer is on the loose, say your prayers.

.Not all serial killers have a trend, some just go on a rampage but they often end up killing certain types of people in a particular order. For example, since I’m a non white that means that I would be the first cookie to crumble because all black people in horror movies die first. Even in Transformers which is an action film, the Transformer who was clearly voiced by a black person was killed off first. Basically, if you are a white person you have nothing to worry about until the first ethnic minority is killed. if you’re a sporty good looking type you’re in the same boat as me as they tend to be killed of pretty quickly. This basically means that 90% of Loughborough’s student population would be wiped out. If you’re the person doing all the research and harassing the police everyday, congratulations, you’re going to survive!

3) Work out if you’ve annoyed anyone

Bullies: making serial killers since time began.

In a lot of horror movies, the serial killer is often one of the kids that got picked on in school (this means I’m a potential serial killer in the making) who is coming back to take revenge on the kids that made his/her life a living hell. If you were one of those people who threw things etc at the unpopular kid then I have two things to say to you 1) Don’t walk home alone at night and 2) AIN’T KARMA A BITCH!?

4) Have someone around you at all times

The guy in the middle has the smile you’ll have when you realise the serial killer has to try and get through your parents before getting to you.

If you know a killer is running rampage and your number may be up then it’s important to make sure you are surrounded by people at ALL TIMES. From walking to school with your friends to sleeping with your parents in their bed at night, there is strength in numbers! Don’t try and be brave and carry on living like you used to because that will result in you meeting a sticky end. This is what frustrates me about horror films, even when it is apparent that there is a serial killer on the loose everyone just continues going about their daily lives like normal. If I knew there was a serial killer on the loose I would handcuff myself to somebody just so I have a slightly higher chance of surviving.

5)Don’t let curiosity get the better of you

How I'd be exiting my room.

How I’d be exiting my room.

Another thing which irritates me about horror films is when people hear noises in the house when they are on their own and go off exploring. If in the event my plan to remain around people at all times had failed and I had ended up in the house alone, if I heard a noise in the house I would not get up and start walking around calling out my Mum’s name. The first thing I would do is get up and push my bed against my bedroom door, and if I heard another noise in house then I would be climbing out of my bedroom window, shimmying down the drain pipe and sprinting down the road as fast as my legs would take me whilst screaming at the top of my lungs. The way to survive a serial killer is to not let curiosity get the better of you. If you hear any noises that you cannot explain then run screaming in the opposite direction and ask questions later.

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