Halloween: How to survive Demon Children.

I’m actually quite excited for Halloween this year; I’ll be spending it with my friends and my outfit is PLANNED, rather than the mess that I throw together annually which usually involves me colouring my face and body in with eyeliner and fake blood. However, disturbing things tend to happen around this time of the year, and I’m not talking about the fact Christmas adverts start appearing two months earlier than needed. I’m talking about the supernatural kind of disturbing, but don’t worry, I’ve created a survival guide which is inspired by the wonderful Kingsley

In this post I’m going to talk about demon children, which are kids with the devil in them, or your local chavs – there’s not much difference between the two, let’s face it.

1) Keep kids out of your house.

If you find one of these on your doorstep take it to the nearest orphanage.

Demon children may have all the evil of the world in their pre pubescent bodies, but the fact is, they need a base camp where they can carry out their terrible plans. They can’t do it very effectively in a children’s home because they keep having to take revenge on the other kids who pick on them because they think they are weird. Consequently, they will latch onto the nearest weak minded person who will let them into their homes. Do not be this weak minded person.

If you find a random kid on your doorstep a few weeks before Halloween or your other half gets an urge to adopt, wait till after the night of fright has passed, because once a demon kid is in your house you will never get them out. The end result will be you surrounded by all this evil stuff whilst the demon child occasionally tries to kill you off.

2) Make sure you have an intelligent friend.

This is how you’ll be sleeping if you’re not careful.

Don’t be fooled by a demon child’s seemingly innocent exterior: they’re pretty smart. The common mistake many people make in horror films is realising the kid is creepy and then going off and telling everyone which results in them looking crazy and then you’re isolated. Also the kid will know you’re onto them and you’ll be spending your nights sleeping with one eye open convinced they’re going to try and smother you in your sleep with their teddy bear.

If you realise your kid is creepy, then act normally and then confide in the most intelligent person you know outside of your home. Don’t sit downstairs slagging the kid off whilst he/she is upstairs listening with their evil superhuman hearing, because that’s when you’ll have to start sleeping with a baseball bat, and if you’re worrying about whether you are going to live to see another day it becomes much more difficult to take this kid down. So tell your smartest and most open minded friend who can help you research how to get rid of your demon child.

3) Find their weakness

Ponies: A demon child’s worst nightmare.

All demon children have their weakness: the kid in ”The Omen” was petrified of the church and the girl from ”The Ring” was terrified of horses. Your demon child may be an evil little cretin, but everyone has a weakness, you just need to find it. Observe your demon child’s behaviour, what activity do they avoid? What places do they keep away from? Once you find out you can go about taking this motherfucker down, whether it’s filling a water gun with holy water and ambushing them or taking them to your local riding school for a lesson.

4) Physical force is your friend

Miss Trunchbull had the right idea.

You may feel bad about using physical force against a child, but this is not a child. Also, when I say physical force, I’m not talking about a smack, I’m talking about swinging them around by their hair like Mrs Trunchbull did in ”Matilda”

There’s a scene in ”The Omen” where the kid is screaming in the car because his parents are taking him to church, and with him being the anti christ this is the last place he can be. This kid/demon is biting and scratching his parents in the car and instead of just giving in like they did in the film, I would have got some rope, tied him to the back of the car and make him run behind it all the way home and I would have been making sure I took the long route AND hills. That kid would have been so exhausted he’d have to abandon all evil plans for a few days and by the time he’s ready to kill me, I’d be waiting for him with a water gun full of holy water.

5) If in doubt go to a Church

Don’t worry, the Church will (hopefully) forgive you.

I don’t care if you’re an atheist, if you go to a Church you will more than likely be safe! Yes, you may have done some naughty things, but God is all forgiving and (hopefully) whoever is up there will take pity on you and protect you from a demon child by allowing to spend the rest of your natural days living in the church. Yes, it may not be ideal, but at least you’re alive.

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