The post I was originally going to publish was much more serious, but I’m in a good mood today so I decided to post something that is like most of my posts: slightly obscure. Anyway, this has been inspired by the fact I’ve been the victim of many drunken texts in the past few weeks and I usually find them amusing. One called me a ”legend” and another said ”I am so smashed Mumvba its vule xx”. This got me thinking about phones on nights out and how drunken texts can have you laughing the next morning when you see your atrocious spelling, or hanging your head in shame; so I started to think about how cool it would be if phones played more of a part in our nights out, so here are some apps I want to see created:
1) The Friend Locator
It’s inevitable you will lose at least one person along the way when you’re on a night out, and you usually just send them a text the next morning saying ”Are you alive?”. However, if there’s only a couple of you going out then you try and stick together, and if one of you disappears then the ”Where are you?” texts start coming till you reply or they find you dancing in a circle of random people shouting ”WOOOOOOO! I LOVE this song!”. However, sometimes a friend will pull someone and just peace out without actually ever telling you they’ve left the building. I once had the displeasure of someone telling me ”yeah, I was probably having sex when you text me” – lovely! Basically, I want an app that will firstly, let me know if they’re even in the building, and if they are whereabouts so I can find them reasonably quickly. Obviously, there are issues about potential stalkers taking advantage of this app, so I figured you have to request this information from your friend prior entering the club rather than it being an open network.
2) The Hangover Predictor
There’s always that point in the night when you debate getting another drink, and that one drink can make all the difference between whether you actually decide to get out of bed the next morning. Basically, this app would be like a breathalyser and your results would come on a scale of ”Drink water and you’ll be fine” to ”You’ll be lucky if you still have a pulse tomorrow, never mind a hangover”. This would be a good app because although some people say hangovers are part of the fun, I disagree. I don’t enjoy feeling ill all day so if I had an app to tell me how bad I’d feel the next morning, I would be amazingly happy and much more responsible.
3)The bladder timer.
When a girl goes to the toilet on a night out, there is a reason why you begin to wonder whether she’s been kidnapped, and that is because girls have a small bladder and when you have hundreds of girls in one place with a limited number of toilets then it’s pretty much toilet traffic jam. This is problematic as some girls underestimate how much they need the toilet and I have had the displeasure of witnessing a girl wet herself in the line to the toilet. Girls NEED an app that will give them a prediction as to when they’ll need the toilet which alerts them fifteen minutes prior to wet panting moment. This will not only tackle the problem of girls wetting themselves in the queue but it will also help alleviate toilet traffic.
The song alerter.
There is nothing more tragic when your favourite song comes on and you cannot be on the dancefloor. I’ve had the trauma of being stuck at the bar waiting for my drink where the only thing I can do is dance crazily on the spot. The only thing that’s worse than that is being in the line for the toilet, where you can HEAR the song and there’s nothing you can do but accept you’re going to miss it. All I want is an app that allows you to connect your phone to the DJ’s booth and will alert you when certain songs are about to come on, so my friends are relieved of the trauma of seeing me sprint across the dancefloor to them to dance to ”Get Low”.
The traffic light app.
Some people go out to clubs to pull: it’s a fact. However, SOME people just want to go out, drink and dance. There should be an app that allows people to put their phone to Red, Amber and Green: Red = I’m not out to pull/be pulled, Amber = I MAY be out to pull, but I have standards, Green = I’ll take what I can get. This app means that the grindy guys don’t waste their time going around the same group of girls trying to pull (although one could argue that they should try pulling one and not insult the others by going round the circle and seeing who’s desperate) and the people who aren’t out to pull can just have a lovely night that is grope free.