Things that should be included in the Olympic opening ceremony.

The Olympics have arrived! I’m actually incredibly excited for them, and I shall be watching the opening ceremony in my front room with a cup of tea. Now, I know the ceremony will be spectacular, but I’m wondering about how truly British they will be. I mean, the world views Britain as very dry and uptight, but I think we’re actually a whole heap of fun, and I think this should be injected into the opening ceremony. Consequently, I thought of things that SHOULD be included in it:

1) Builders

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They’ve just spotted a female.

I remember when it was first confirmed that the Olympics were to be held in London, and everyone was whinging about how much money and inconvenience the building works would cost. However, I think the 2012 Olympics has seen an act of God occur: British builders have finished their work on schedule; anyone British will know that this is a miracle as our builders priotise drinking a cup of tea whilst leaning over the scaffolding with their arse hanging out, harassing any female who makes the mistake of walking past over doing any work( ”Nice tits love!”).

Consequently, we should show our thanks to the Olympic builders by including them in the Olympic ceremony on that the condition that they refrain from leering at the female athletes and making comments such as ”Alright love!? Cracking arse you’ve got there! I’d fill your cement mixer anytime!”

2) Drunken Dancers

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True British Dancing

I remember the Beijing Olympic opening ceremony where they had hundreds of dancers doing this fantastic dance routine. Now, I’m presuming our opening ceremony will have dancers, but how true to british culture will they keep the performance? Let’s face it, we’re a diverse country who does everything from Ballet to break dancing, but the once dance everybody does is the embarrassing drunk one. This dance varies from person to person, but it generally involves no rhythm and an over zealous shaking of the money maker.

The best thing about this would be that it would be incredibly cheap as there is no need for rehearsals, all you do is get people ridiculously drunk, put them all together and put some chart music on and watch them dance like they think they look FIERCE. However, the downside is that we’d probably be a laughing stock.

3) The Torch Bearer tweeting

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Thinking of how great she’ll look in her next Facebook Profile picture with the Olympic torch.

Will.i.Am caused an uproar a couple of months back when he was tweeting when running with the Olympic torch, but I think this is a reflection on how media reliant we have become. I think it would be priceless if the Olympic Torch bearer had their phone in one hand and was tweeting whilst walking towards the cauldron to light it. I’d give them extra points for stopping halfway, taking a photo of themselves and uploading it onto Facebook.

4) The Z list

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Geordie Shore: Best of the British

If we’re going to inject some British culture into the opening ceremony, then we cannot ignore the fact that watching Oompas say ”Shat uuuuuup!”, and Northeners get drunk and have sex on television is part of out culture. It’s not as if these programmes are a mere blip on our other high brow activities, because I’ve seen a magazine give an interview to Amy Childs about her boob job.Consequently, I think we should let the Z list come out in full force during the opening ceremony. Let the Geordie Shore lot stagger into the arena hammered before chundering on the grass, and let Kerry Katona strut into the arena with her twenty kids in tow. Let’s show the world how classy Britain really is!

5) A complete Boycott of the North.

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For the duration of the games, we’ll pretend the North doesn’t exist.

As a Northerner, I can safely say that Olympic feeling is lacking a bit. Sure we’ve strung up a few flags, but tbh nobody really cares. The only time Sheffield gives a damn about sport is when Sheffield United and Sheffield Wednesday are playing against each other, which has the result of me boycotting social networking sites for the day because there’s only so many times I can read ”UP THE BLADES!”.

Anyway, to save Britain from complete embarrassment (which surprisingly isn’t Kerry Katona strutting into the stadium) it’s best that everyone pretends that the North of England belongs to Scotland or something for the duration of the games. The reason for this is because if any unfortunate news reporter has the misfortune of stumbling across a Sheffielder and asks the question ”Are you enjoying the Olympics?” they shall only get a response along the lines of ”Don’t care tbh, it’s in london with all those southern fairies – C’MOOOOOOON YOU BLADES!”.

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