Why Slugs are scarier than spiders.

This may come as a surprise, but I’m actually terrified of slugs, ”but they’re so slow!” you cry. Yeah, well that doesn’t make them any less repulsive; it’s the reason why I refuse to even google a picture of a slug to insert into this post. I could actually have a career as a successful opera singer; all someone would have to do is place a slug in front of me and I’d be breaking glass, my screams would be that high. It would be one if those sounds that is so high that only dogs have the ability to hear it.

My future career.

Anyway, I am going to cure your fear of spiders, and give you a new one which fears the form of slugs.

1) They are just THERE

Slippers: A spider’s biggest enemy

I mean, people are scared of spiders but at least they GET OUT OF THE WAY! I’m sure when a spider sees my Mum storming towards it with a slipper and an intention to kill, their thought process is something along the lines of ”There’s a creature a million times my size coming rapidly towards me – RUN!”; then they disappear as fast as their many legs can carry them, and leave you with that spine tingling ”Oh my God, WHERE DID IT GO!?” feeling.

Slugs just SIT there though, getting in the way and being trod on in the process. At least with spiders they have the ability (and sense) to remove themselves from your presence quickly, but slugs are just there being all slimy and nasty looking.

2) They come out in their hundreds

It isn’t a stairmaster, it’s a stepping over slugs master.

You never see one slug, do you? There’s always at least TWENTY of them within a metre radius! You very rarely encounter two spiders at the same time, unless you’re in a dusty old shed, but slugs assemble an army underground and then attack the world in their numbers.The worst thing about this is that you don’t want to stand on them because squishing them is traumatic. Consequently,when you encounter loads of slugs on a path you have to do this crazy walk like you’re on a stairmaster down the path, and this is time consuming.

3) They have the most repulsive habits

Dog owners: Keeping the slugs alive.

Slugs will eat ANYTHING! I have seen them eating dog poo and the corpse of another dead slug! They just slide over and stick their heads in. Spiders are useful because they eat all the little mites etc in houses. Also, they are kind of compassionate as they paralyse their prey before sucking the blood out of it.

But someone please explain to me how a slug eating dog poo is vital to the world in the grand scheme of things? If the dog’s owner hadn’t have been lazy and cleaned up after their dog after it has squatted on the ground and emptied its bowls then I wouldn’t have accidentally trod in it, and we wouldn’t need slugs to clean it up. It’s you lazy dog owners who are allowing slugs to continue living!

4) Slugs die a repulsive death

My face after standing on a slug.

When spiders see my Mum running towards with her slipper, they usually get out of the way sharpish, but some have not been quick enough and consequently had a very squished death. I’m cool with a dead spider though, they splat and that’s it – a nice drama free death. Slugs however like to make the most of things. One time I was about to take the black bin out and I noticed this huge slug on it. Now my initial reaction was to run inside screaming, but I pulled myself together, went and got some table salt and flung it at the fiend – big mistake.

I don’t know exactly what happened, but after throwing salt at it the slug began to fizz, I started backing away and then I heard this PLOP! I don’t know whether it had spontaneously self combusted or fallen off the bin because I was running back into the house screaming, but it was disgusting; it’s not even restricted to when you throw table salt at them! Standing on a slug is one of life’s most awful moments, because you just feel them pop beneath your foot, and no matter how careful you’re being trying to avoid standing on them, there’s always ONE you miss.

5) There is one exception

This is what people will look like when running from giant spiders.

Admittedly, there is one exception where it is acceptable to fear spiders over slugs, and that is if they they were the size of cars. If a slug was the size of a car, then I would be scared because they would probably try and eat humans, but I am sure I could outrun them.

A spider the size of a car would be hell on earth though; they would be incredibly fast and they would DEFINITELY be hunting humans. If this scenario happened I always imagine myself biking it to all my lectures at uni at top speed and mastering the art of being able to leap off my bike and go straight into a sprint upon arriving at the building. Also, I’m just gonna say it, if spiders were the size of cars, it would be every man for themselves. If I’m desperately trying to cycle away from one and you’re in my path, you better be a fast runner because I run you over (I know, I’m going to hell).

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5 thoughts on “Why Slugs are scarier than spiders.

  1. Slugs are the worst. They took up residence in my bedroom last year (my bedroom is downstairs and has a door to the outside so they probably got in that way at some point or other). It led to several nights of standing on them whilst getting up to use the toilet in the dark – combined with forgetting to put slippers on, this is not a good feeling. I can’t bring myself to kill them because of the way they writhe with salt or pop if squished and slug pellets aren’t feasible because I worry that my cats may accidently ingest, so I’ve taken to picking them up with a wad of kitchen roll and chucking them outside. Sure they’ll get back in but it’s a temporary solution. They are turning in to a bit of an obsession – I notice every slug trail no matter where I am and my stomach turns a little if I glance anything that may be a slug.
    I welcome spiders in to my room though. I have one living behind my book case that I like to call “Jimmy boy” and another that I recently discovered in one of the corners that I haven’t decided on a name yet. I often get flies in through open windows and door so I like to think that they are well fed.

  2. I guess you’re trying to be witty, but sorry…no dice. If you’d take 2 minutes to do a google search you’d find out that slugs are indeed very valuable as (just for one example) they recycle garden waste and yes ‘other waster’ turn it into rich fertilizer. Would you rather do it, or have slugs do that for you?

    Next, you describe spiders as ‘compassionate’ because they paralyze their prey so they can’t move while they’re being eaten alive? What degree did you actually receive, and at what school? Surely it couldn’t have been at any college, or even middle school.

    Seriously, your insane fear of slugs sounds more like an irrational phobia than anything else.

    To “Kathwritesabook”: Well, if you have slugs sliming their way around your bathroom to the extent that you’re stepping on them on several different nights, it sounds as if you need to buy some soap and water and try cleaning your place say more than once every five years.

    Sheesh.

    • The blogpost was meant to be a joke 🙂 Thank you for the information but the post was obviously meant to be in good humour and I was aware what purpose slugs serve but I was simply writing to entertain. I don’t think it’s a huge deal if I messed up a couple of trivial facts.

      Also, don’t try and insult my education, I’m at a very good university and I have achieved quite a bit for a nineteen year old, and please keep your insulting comments to other bloggers off my blog.

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