This may come as a surprise, but I’m actually terrified of slugs, ”but they’re so slow!” you cry. Yeah, well that doesn’t make them any less repulsive; it’s the reason why I refuse to even google a picture of a slug to insert into this post. I could actually have a career as a successful opera singer; all someone would have to do is place a slug in front of me and I’d be breaking glass, my screams would be that high. It would be one if those sounds that is so high that only dogs have the ability to hear it.
Anyway, I am going to cure your fear of spiders, and give you a new one which fears the form of slugs.
1) They are just THERE
I mean, people are scared of spiders but at least they GET OUT OF THE WAY! I’m sure when a spider sees my Mum storming towards it with a slipper and an intention to kill, their thought process is something along the lines of ”There’s a creature a million times my size coming rapidly towards me – RUN!”; then they disappear as fast as their many legs can carry them, and leave you with that spine tingling ”Oh my God, WHERE DID IT GO!?” feeling.
Slugs just SIT there though, getting in the way and being trod on in the process. At least with spiders they have the ability (and sense) to remove themselves from your presence quickly, but slugs are just there being all slimy and nasty looking.
2) They come out in their hundreds
You never see one slug, do you? There’s always at least TWENTY of them within a metre radius! You very rarely encounter two spiders at the same time, unless you’re in a dusty old shed, but slugs assemble an army underground and then attack the world in their numbers.The worst thing about this is that you don’t want to stand on them because squishing them is traumatic. Consequently,when you encounter loads of slugs on a path you have to do this crazy walk like you’re on a stairmaster down the path, and this is time consuming.
3) They have the most repulsive habits
Slugs will eat ANYTHING! I have seen them eating dog poo and the corpse of another dead slug! They just slide over and stick their heads in. Spiders are useful because they eat all the little mites etc in houses. Also, they are kind of compassionate as they paralyse their prey before sucking the blood out of it.
But someone please explain to me how a slug eating dog poo is vital to the world in the grand scheme of things? If the dog’s owner hadn’t have been lazy and cleaned up after their dog after it has squatted on the ground and emptied its bowls then I wouldn’t have accidentally trod in it, and we wouldn’t need slugs to clean it up. It’s you lazy dog owners who are allowing slugs to continue living!
4) Slugs die a repulsive death
When spiders see my Mum running towards with her slipper, they usually get out of the way sharpish, but some have not been quick enough and consequently had a very squished death. I’m cool with a dead spider though, they splat and that’s it – a nice drama free death. Slugs however like to make the most of things. One time I was about to take the black bin out and I noticed this huge slug on it. Now my initial reaction was to run inside screaming, but I pulled myself together, went and got some table salt and flung it at the fiend – big mistake.
I don’t know exactly what happened, but after throwing salt at it the slug began to fizz, I started backing away and then I heard this PLOP! I don’t know whether it had spontaneously self combusted or fallen off the bin because I was running back into the house screaming, but it was disgusting; it’s not even restricted to when you throw table salt at them! Standing on a slug is one of life’s most awful moments, because you just feel them pop beneath your foot, and no matter how careful you’re being trying to avoid standing on them, there’s always ONE you miss.
5) There is one exception
Admittedly, there is one exception where it is acceptable to fear spiders over slugs, and that is if they they were the size of cars. If a slug was the size of a car, then I would be scared because they would probably try and eat humans, but I am sure I could outrun them.
A spider the size of a car would be hell on earth though; they would be incredibly fast and they would DEFINITELY be hunting humans. If this scenario happened I always imagine myself biking it to all my lectures at uni at top speed and mastering the art of being able to leap off my bike and go straight into a sprint upon arriving at the building. Also, I’m just gonna say it, if spiders were the size of cars, it would be every man for themselves. If I’m desperately trying to cycle away from one and you’re in my path, you better be a fast runner because I run you over (I know, I’m going to hell).