Hello! I know I have (not) been missed, but rest assured I am back! I’ve rejuvenated the site about with a Critical acclaims page etc so take a look around and gasp in awe ;D
This was going to be a vaguely serious post about things to do in your spare time this summer, but with the recent weather we’ve been having, it seems the second coming of the great flood is about to happen, so screw doing things like volunteering and get your swimming cap and swimsuit ready!
Don’t panic though, I have thought this through, and have compiled a list of ways you can survive this summer/apocalypse, and by my (more than likely completely wrong) calculations, around 1% of you reading this will survive!
1) If you live at the bottom of a hill, accept defeat.
One day this week, when it was POURING it down, somebody on Facebook posted about how happy they were about living at the top of a hill because it meant they were at less risk of being flooded. Now this upset me because it was then I realised that I live at the bottom of a MASSIVE hill; I’m not exaggerating: it’s so steep it’s pretty much vertical. I have to take rock climbing equipment with me to tackle it everytime I leave the house.
Now, many of you may be as unfortunate as me by living at the bottom of a hill, and you just need to accept you are going to die – sorry to be blunt. However, rest assured that I have it so much worse; I have a stream next to my house so whilst you have the FAINTEST chance of surviving, my death is more inevitable than a Turkey’s during the festive season. Also, can I just say Mum, Sheffield is built on SEVEN hills, and out of all the houses you could have bought, you chose one at the bottom of a hill and next to a stream you KNOW I’m an incredibly average swimmer – WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!?
2) Go to your Swimming Pool
To those of you not dumb enough to live at the bottom of a hill – CONGRATULATIONS! However, don’t pop open the champagne just yet – RUN TO YOUR NEAREST SWIMMING POOL. By the looks of the amount of rain we’ve been having, the flood will happen in the next few weeks so you need to brush up on your swimming skills!
Swimming pools are grim: they give people verucas and allow people to mistakenly swallow urine infested water. However, from now on just think ”What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”, verucas eventually fade and urine is sterile so suck it up and spend your days doing laps in the pool – THIS COULD MEAN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH.
3) Invest heavily in rubber
To any Americans reading, I’m not talking about THAT kind of rubber, but things like armbands, rubber rings and life boats. Bear in mind that these three things are for you ALONE: you start off in the life boat whilst in the rubber ring, WHILST wearing your armbands, because this is the second coming of the second flood! This isn’t a few days at sea, this is the start of the new world, so you need to be weighed down in rubber!
4) Don’t be like Rose
You know that infamous scene in ”Titanic” where Rose is on that MASSIVE raft, just sprawled out on it like Lady Muck whilst Jack is freezing to death in the ocean? Don’t be like that.
If you have space in your raft then allow your fellow human beings to climb aboard, because remember, this is the coming of the second flood! If the Lord sees you being benevolent to your fellow humans then your chances of surviving may increase. Of course, if you’re full to capacity don’t be ridiculous and allow more people to climb aboard, just throw them a piece of rope and pull them along or something….
5) Look for that white dove
Remember the original story of the great flood? A white dove alerted Noah to the fact that there was land ahead. Now if you’re experiencing the flood in Sheffield, then it probably won’t be a Dove but a one legged pigeon flying past with someone’s discarded Greggs wrapper, but let’s not split hairs. Anyway, keep your eye out for any sign of avian life, and then you shall know that you survived summer 2012/the second coming of the great flood 🙂