Alternative careers for celebrities

In this tough economic climate, nobody is safe in their jobs, not even celebrities. This was proven when the ”nation’s sweetheart” Cheryl Cole was unceremoniously dumped from her job as a judge on US version of The x factor, although this may be more to with the fact nobody in the US had the vaguest idea who she was (and still don’t). Consequently, I’ve decided to help the A list out with some job suggestions, just in case they find themselves jobless and skint:

Usher: A love guru

*What Usher is thinking* Ummmm, dem boobies

Raymond Usher is known to be a bit of a lady killer, and looking at some of his lyrics, I can see why. On one of his more recent and famous songs ”OMG”, Usher sings ”Honey got those boobies like wow oh wow” which to be honest is something I’d expect to hear in a playground, but apparently Usher’s using lines like this on the girls . If his career as a pop star ever starts to decline (and by the look of that particular lyric, I’d say it has) I’m sure Usher will have men worldwide flocking to him for advice on how to get the women and still say the word ”boobies”.

Nicki Minaj: The Sun

I know it’s frightening to look at, but her bum could save the world.

Miss Minaj has a lovely derrière that is also the size of a small country, and I think that if anything was ever to happen to The Sun, we could propel Nicki Minaj into space and orbit around her, because I’m pretty sure her bum has its own centre of gravity. To be honest, I felt like launching Nicki into space after she unleashed ”Stupid Hoe” and consequently destroyed my ear drums but she can redeem herself by saving the world with her huge backside.

Kristen Stewart: Weather girl

Cloudy, with a strong chance of thunder.

I have no idea about Kristen’s geographical skills, but she always seems to have a face that could turn a sunny day stormy, so she’d be a perfect candidate for a weather girl, because whenever she’s around there are guaranteed thunderclouds.

Rihanna: A singer

Rihanna has a really good voice for a stripper.

This lovely looking lady has done well for herself, I don’t know any strippers that have become household names like she has. What I have noticed though, is that her videos always have really catchy music on in the background, if she ever decides to quit and try a different career path I definitely think she could make it as a singer.

Angelina Jolie: Daycare owner

Angelina and half of the world’s population….I mean her family.

I’m pretty sure Angelina Jolie’s brood makes up at least half of the human population, so I’m guessing the soon to be Mrs Pitt has picked up some handy childcare tips. Consequently, I think she could consider opening a daycare centre, as long as she promised not to steal anybody’s children to add to her own ever expanding family.

Drake: Sales

Thanks for releasing another pointless acronym into the world, dumbass.

Thanks to this clown I’ve had to tolerate the complete and utter nonsense which is ”yolo” (you only live once if you actually care). This completely bypassed me anyway because I only like one of Drake’s songs, so it annoyed me because I didn’t understand what it stood for and I was too lazy to google it, AND because everyone kept saying it in the most STUPIDEST of ways ”I think my milks gone off but yolo!”, ”I’ve spent too much money, but yolo!”. I can tolerate it when it’s typed on the internet but when you say it in actual speech, you sound like a DUMBASS. It’s like people who actually say ”lol” in real life – shut up.

Consequently, if Drake can get people saying rubbish like this, he deserves a job in sales because he clearly has the talent for successfully selling people utter crap.

Zac Efron: My husband

Admit it, you would.

Zac Efron is a very beautiful man, and I’m not normally attracted to people based on looks alone, but I’ve seen his interviews and he seems like a nice guy so it’s perfectly acceptable for me to lust over him. I’m even prepared to forget about his embarrassing ”High school musical” days, although I did LOVE number two and three.

Yes, Zac could pursue a career as a model or singer if the acting work dried up, but I think we i.e me would be happier if he spent his days living as Mr Zoe Mumba.

Tom Jones: lingerie sales man.

Your Grandma probably threw her knickers in his face.

The Welsh wonder himself sung about sex bombs, and apparantly, back in the day he was seen as one himself – women went to concerts and threw their knickers at him. Now Mr Jones has been singing for a VERY long time so he must have had thousands of women’s, hopefully clean, under garments flying in his face, thus I think he’d be more than qualified to be a sales assistant at La Senza.

Of course, I think I’d feel slightly uncomfortable with a seventy year old man advising me on what underwear to buy, and in any other situation I’d feel as if I was being sexually harrassed, but the sad fact is, Tom Jones probably knows more about women’s underwear than women do.

Pippa Middleton: Magician

Now, Pippa  Middleton is a perfectly pleasant looking woman to look at, and I’m not saying she is ugly. HOWEVER, the hype she received after Will and Kate’s wedding over her bum, was ridiculous. I’m sorry, I’m not saying her bum is repulsive, but when everybody was going crazy over it, I had my face pressed against the t.v screen going ”I don’t see it!”, and I still don’t.

I may be alone here, but when I think of a woman with a great bum, I think of Jennifer Lopez, Kim Kardashian and Beyonce, NOT Pippa Middleton. However, it looks like I’m alone regarding the case of P. Middy so I came to the conclusion that either I have bad taste in bums or Pippa Middleton bewitched the entire country; I think this possible, because think of how many people watched the royal wedding. I think Pippa had a magic wand stuff up that dress (and no that isn’t a euphenism, although Prince Harry did have his eyes glued to Miss Middleton), and flicked it when none of us was looking. Consequently, I think if Pippa’s career of being ”Her Royal Hotness” goes down the pan she could make a successful career as a magician because she’s certainly had the effect of me not believing my eyes.

Adele: Stalker (Yes, I know this isn’t really a career)

This woman’s voice will make you relive your heartbreak again, again and again…..

It’s unlikely that Adele will go bankrupt anytime soon, but based on her songs she’d make a cracking stalker. I appreciate that Adele is talented but I have an issue with ”Someone like you”l she rambles on about some guy who’s broken her heart and has moved on with someone else and she’s  shrieking ”NEVERMIND! I’LL FIND SOMEONE LIKE YOUUUUUU”. Now I don’t know about you, but if someone had broken my heart I wouldn’t want to find somebody like them again, why would I? I’d want someone the complete opposite of them, even if that meant I turned lesbian I started dating women, and let’s face it, there are some guys who could not only turn you lesbian, but turn you asexual.

As far as Adele is concerned, I think she makes beautiful songs, but I wouldn’t want my career based on whinging about some guy who turned me into an emotional wreck, I’d prefer to pretend that they no longer exist, but that’s just me. Even in her videos, like ”Rolling in the deep” she’s just sat there in some room like the black widow, I’d refuse to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he reduced me to being curled up on the bathroom floor, rocking backwards and forwards crying like a baby.

Simon Cowell: The devil

When he looks in mirrors, he has no reflection.

To be perfectly honest, I don’t think this is too far of the mark anyway, anyman who allows ”Swagger Jagger” to be released (nevermind signing Cher Lloyd) is a man who possess no soul. From allowing Cheryl Cole to be the judge of people’s singing abilities to creating a band filled with five Justin Biebers, the man will stop at nothing to own your Saturday nights.

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