I don’t watch t.v anymore, apart from old reruns of Sex and the city, Two and a half men and The Simpsons. This is partly because I’ve been at university and I just got out of the habit, but also because the quality of t.v programmes has become so dire. ITV is dominated by smug Simon and his merry men with a side order of ‘’The only way is (so clearly not, going by this programme) Essex’’ . Consequently, this got me thinking of t.v programmes I’d like to see be aired, and what would have me glued to my sofa from start to finish:
1) Life in halls
This idea came from my flatmate, which consequently turned into a’’ make fun of Zoe’’ session. Basically, cameras are installed in hall of residence at a university and then the best bits are broadcasted. Going by my block’s past activities, there’d be footage of someone returning drunk from a night out and walking up the stairs like a dinosaur, numerous walks of shame entering and leaving the building, people locked outside because they’ve lost their key card, a sofa being moved into someone’s room , severely pissed off people evacuating the building at six am because the warden thinks it’s socially acceptable to do fire drills at this time, and according to my flatmate, lots and LOTS of footage of me sleeping. I resent that, because I only sleep during the day if I’ve had a 9:00am, an English student out of bed before 10:00am is never right.
I guess this would be an intellectual big brother, but to be quite honest, looking at the list below and thinking of some of the things that can’t be printed here, all this would do would make parents ban their children from attending university.
2) ‘’Total (Mind) Wipeout’’
My basic idea for this would be involving giving someone a deadly alcoholic cocktail before they go out, which involves everything from tequila to sourz and then shoving them in a taxi with a camera crew and some friends and letting them hit the town. Then, the next morning they are awoken from whoever’s bed/bush/bin they are found in and asked to recall as much about their night as possible before being showed the actual footage.
I was inspired by this when I thought of Georgie Shore and the messes that they become after a sniff of alcohol, except this has people on it who are regular people and not fake tanned encrusted chimps. The sole purpose of this programme is to make ordinary people feel better about THEIR nights out, because if I saw somone chundering on a dancefloor before passing out in it then being dragged out by the bouncers by their feet, I’d feel so much more better about myself. I’d definitely stop feeling embarrassed about how I sing to bouncers and get a severe case of word vomit on nights out.
3) You’ve been tamed
Most t.v programmes focus on getting people together, such examples include ”Take me out” which is a complete and utter EMBARRASSMENT of a programme. It’s basically twenty over tanned airheads fighting over some man they’ve never met, and they’re so frigging desperate, like how they throw themselves over their buzzer so he won’t be able to turn their lights out. If I was the man, I’d be actual start wrestling with her to turn her light off that bit quicker. How can you simper so much over a man you’ve NEVER met – urgh.
Anyway,what about the people going through a break up? Most people express their heartbreak in a healthy way by crying into their pillow, listening to sad songs and eating masses of chocolate, but there are some people who take break ups HARD. These are the type of people who should never be in relationships to be perfectly honest because they go fucking crazy when they break up with someone. These are the types of people who send abusive messages to their ex, stalk their ex and break into their house and burn all their clothes. These are the types of people who should be getting psychiactric care, but because they’re going through a break up, people indulge it, like having a broken heart is an excuse for acting like a raving loony.
This programme focuses on giving those crazy exes help, and bringing them back into society as civilised individuals.
4) Inside the lives of secret sex workers
This is inspired by an article I read in Glamour about women who do sex work on the side, no sexy times but stuff like stripping on webcam, working on sex chat lines, and there was even this one woman who buys Primark underwear and wears it for a bit before letting men buy the used knickers off her – my mind was blown. Consequently, I thought this would make a great programme to educate people on REAL sex, because some men do like sniffing used underwear, and some use sex chat lines, it’d help people understand just because it isn’t the missionary position, it doesn’t mean it’s dirty and weird. Unless of course you’re talking about bestiality etc which is weird AND illegal.
After all, how many t.v programmes really educate us on sex? There was that ”The sex education show” which basically just told teenagers they’re normal if they have dark nipples, and ”Embarrassing bodies”. Now I don’t know if I’m alone here, but I have a problem with ”Embarrassing Bodies”, if I wanted close ups of penis’ and vaginas, I can turn my laptop on, go on google and go crazy. However, I don’t want to see that stuff on a week night when I’m sat on the sofa with my Mum – it’s awkward. I also don’t want close ups of penis’, vaginas and anuses that have something wrong with them infecting my brain, I’m sorry, but I don’t want to see infected foreskins , collapsed anuses or vaginas with genital warts, if I did then I would have trained to be a Doctor. I don’t know WHY people go on this programme, I don’t think they’re even getting paid, because no amount of money would get me in that clinic broadcasting bodily problems like that. I genuinely think the people on there having something slipped into their cup of tea and they awake in the clinic delirious so they go through with it, or channel four has took their family hostage and won’t release them till they go through with it.
5) Blind Date
I used to LOVE Blind Date when it was presented by Cilla Black, so I’d definitely bring this programme back with minor alterations. Now, I hate first dates, they’re always awkward and NOBODY acts like their usual self. I usually spend them biting back all the inappropriate jokes I want to make and consequently I get mistook for being ”sweet and innocent” which is not true. I’m not the spawn of satan, but anybody who knows me reasonably will have the misfortune of knowing what goes on in my head.
So how does one break this trend of acting like someone you’re not on a first date? My friend once said to me ”There’s nothing wrong with telling a good poo joke” when on a date, but I disagree, unless you want to come across with having the humour of a five year old child (which I do, funnily enough). I’ve decided that the best way to break it is put people in situations that are testing, so the format of the programme is that the producers set two people up on a date who appear compatible and then they go on the aforementioned date, except instead of a romantic dinner for two, it’ll be something testing like Paintballing, or bungee jumping. I know for a fact if I went on such dates, my date would see me at my worst, if it was paintballing it would be me running through woods screaming at the top of my lungs, and if it was bungee jumping it would be me clinging to the bar at the top crying and begging them to let me off doing it.
Consequently, if they still wanted to see me after, and I hadn’t died from heart failure from bungee jumping, I reckon that he’d be a keeper!