FHM caused an uproar recently with their list of the ‘’top 100 sexiest women’’ and to be perfectly honest, I was a little stunned myself that Tulisa ( the girl from N Dubz) came first.Don’t get me wrong she’s a pretty girl, but I always think she looks a little cheap, and reports from those who viewed THAT video of her clad in a tracksuit (How stylish) while giving oral sex reckon she’s anything but sexy, so she definitely shouldn’t have won. I wasn’t outraged Tulisa came first though – I was bemused. I was outraged that Pippa ‘’most overrated bum of the century’’ Middleton or P Middy or WHATEVER she’s being called made the top twenty. Pippa isn’t ugly but the whole ‘’her ass is amazing’’ thing that exploded last year really put me off her, she doesn’t HAVE a bum, so the fact she made it into the top 20, made the whole list was a bit of a joke, or at least I’m hoping it was….
Consequently, I decided if the clearly unqualified team of FHM can compile a list of women who are mostly orange and a bit chavvy and call them sexy then anybody i.e me can feel free to make our own list of the sexiest women. However, my list is called ‘’My top five girl crushes’’ so I don’t come across like a complete lesbian.
1) Caitlin Moran
The face people pull when you say you’re a feminist.
This woman is the reason I’m blogging, and I stopped trying to emulate other people’s writing styles and learnt to let my own voice come through. If you don’t know her, Caitlin is a journalist for the Times; she has her own column and last year she released the amazingly funny and smart book ‘’How To Be A Woman’’ which talks about things like sex in a REALLY graphic nature. She’s intelligent, witty and she’s fearless from everything to her opinions to her clothes, how could she not be my ultimate girl crush. Rihanna may possess a body that I’d sell my soul to the devil for, and Beyonce may have a beauty so natural that if she was a vegetable she’d be organic, but if I was to embody the talent and spirit of any woman, Miss Moran is the one.
2) Dawn French as Geraldine Granger
Making religion vaguely erotic.
Ok, she may not be an obvious girl crush, but it’s not all about looks you know! I’m not (very) shallow, my girl crushes all aren’t based on how good they look in a bikini, it’s about them having something I want and can’t have, so instead I put them up on a pedestal.Dawn French as Geraldine Granger in ‘’The Vicar Of Dibley ‘’ is AMAZING; she made me want to be a vicar!
Why do I love her so much? Well, she practises virtues such as forgiveness, patience and honesty, things that we are guilty of neglecting at times. Also, she’s relatable; she wakes up in disgusting positions on the sofa after gorging on chocolate and syrup! Ok, I may never have gone that far (yet) , but when I’m having a bad day, I’ve been not to reach for a chocolate bar (or two, and some biscuits). Women like Rihanna may elicit a wistful (it’s not a pervy on, I swear) sigh from me when I see her in magazines, but it makes you feel bad about yourself when you see her perfect figure and you possess a less than perfect figure. Geraldine Granger is comfortable with herself, and that’s why she’s one of my girl crushes.
3) Dita Von Teese
Dita’s work outfit.
One word for the burlesque dancer: exquisite. Dita Von Teese basically takes her kit of for a living, but she oozes class. When you look at her, she looks like a 1950s Hollywood star, but she actually prances round in nipple tassles, yet she STILL looks better than half the mangy starlets in Hollywood.
Also, Dita was married to Marilyn Manson a few years ago before she saw the light and realised she could do SO much better. The fact she married the king of freaky alongside dancing around in a giant wine glass for a living shows she possesses bravery that would make her a huge asset on the front lines of a war zone.
Part woman but mostly goddess.
Beyonce in my eyes is more of a goddess than a woman, she’s not only stunning but hardworking and she seems like a nice enough person. Also, I was MAJORLY impressed that during her Glastonbury performance, she was throwing up offstage due to morning sickness but still managed to put on an amazing show. Most pregnant women consider it an achievement if they can see their toes when pregnant , nevermind dancing and singing for two hours straight in front of the world.
Also, Beyonce always seems classy, even when she’s writhing around half naked in her videos. When Rihanna does it, everybody criticises her going ‘OMG ’SHE A HOE’’ but when Beyonce does it, she just looks hot. Like a high class hooker and not the backstreet alley ones.
Rihanna realising this is the most clothes she’s worn all year
Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve had something of an unrequited love affair with the Bajan singer. I started rating her when she released Rated R, but when she unveiled her red hair do, she officially became my first major girl crush. In all honesty, this time last year, my girl crush list would have probably read Rihanna from the top spot to the bottom spot, with just different pictures of her at the various stages in her career. However, she’s got a bit skanky looking of late, and I like my women to possess a little class so she’s slipped down the ranks.
However, I’m sure that in typical Rihanna style she’ll soon release a music video that elevates her back up to the top spot.