How To Survive a Night Out

To those who’ve never had a night on the town, the best way analogy I can come up with, is that they are very similar to the Jeremy Kyle show; you see humanity at its worst, but they also make you weirdly happy. However, one should not venture into the perilous place that is a night club without remembering these three key points to ensure the night is a success:

1) Lower your expectations of mankind

ImageHer Mother will be so proud.

Nightclubs are dark, hold many people and sell vast quantities of alcohol. Consequently, even the most level headed individual will demonstrate behaviour comparable to a chimp; even then, the latter will probably still have its dignity intact the morning after. Expect to be groped by a randomer,because in a club a verbal hello becomes a wallop on the backside, expect to see interesting dance moves from the mildly cringey act-out-song routine to the embarrassing for everyone involved grinding number. Expect to have your drink spilled on you, and if you spot a couple leaving a toilet cubicle together – don’t even bat an eyelid.

2) Expect the unexpected.

 Someone should remind them that they’re related.

Think of nights out like a thriller movie: you never know what will happen. You’ll see a girl on the dancefloor one step away from procreating ( and getting kicked out of the club) with a guy, and then you’ll realise, that girl is your deeply religious, no sex before marriage friend who’s been taken under the wing of tequila. You’ll spend the night wondering where your shy retiring friend has gone, an at the end of the night find them face down on a police car bonnet after trying to rugby tackle the bouncers – grim. You’ll discover it’s fun to grind your friend of the same sex (no homo), sing to a distinctly unimpressed bouncer, kiss your friend of the same sex (again, no homo). Alcohol really helps you discover your true self, who you’ll wish you’d never discovered the next morning.

3) If you take a camera, make sure it’s yours.

The reason why nights out require cameras.

Cameras are really useful on nights out: they help fill in the blanks. You’ll have had pictures with friends you forgot bumping into, people you’ve never met amongst hilarious ones of your friends on the toilet. However, MAKE SURE THE CAMERA IS YOURS! There’s nothing more awful when someone tags you in a photo on facebook and you’re waiting for it to load whilst praying you didn’t humiliate yourself. If the camera is yours, you can upload all your friends  shameful moments (and won’t you be a popular bunny!?) and forever erase your own.

4) Avoid the toilets

Being smart and avoiding the queue for the girl's toilets.

I know it’s impossible, but toilets are a pain in the arse on a night out; girls toilets always have a fifteen minute queue   which would much longer if girls didn’t share cubicles. If you’re a girl then there is the (admittedly unappealing) option of using the boy’s toilets – do so at your own risk! Boys dislike girls using their toilets, they shout at you, flash you and bundle you out within the space of ten seconds.

5) Keep up with the pack

The one thing needed on a night out: drunken friends.

If you’re friends are all going hard, at least go semi hard or rope one of your friends into staying soberish with you. When everyone is drunk and you’re pretty much sober, it’s pretty depressing; they’re all raving to music you know they hate, and you’re trying and failing to play catch up. This doesn’t mean end up in the same state as the friend who always chunders (if you don’t have that friend, then it’s you) but get on the right side of tipsy.


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