Events Britain Would Win At The Olympics

With the Olympics fast approaching I thought I’d acknowledge it by inventing some events that I thought Britain would win by ten country miles and then some. Maybe, they will be invented and instead of the boring stuff like swimming an running we could see some more entertaining ones that we’d actually win year after year!

1)      Queuing


Standard Queue For The Post office

If it is one thing Britain does well it’s stand in a line; the best thing is that we don’t even complain, we just stand in silent anger. For example, today when I went to the post office, the queue was nearly at the door, instead of complaining I simply swore loudly and angrily in my head which became more explicit when someone began coughing their germs up behind my back. It’s amazing that sometimes we just start queuing behind people randomly in shops because it’s that ingrained in our culture to queue. If queuing was an Olympic event, the French and Spanish would probably start destroying things out of rage whilst the British would duly stand there in silent rage.

2)      Being apathetic about Politics


How the Spanish Kept Their Siesta

We’re a country that does not support protesting. If the government makes changes that we do not like the most proactive we are about trying to stop it is writing an angry letter to one of the national newspapers. When the propose taxes on pies came in, the biggest campaign I saw was The Sun telling everyone to go out, buy a pie and eat it at 1 o clock – we’re rather pathetic. In contrast, our Spanish friends began smashing up their cities to show their government they disagreed with their proposed economic policies. If that happened in Britain, we’d be calling for the rioters to be arrested and for the hose pipes to be turned on them.

3)      Getting more drunk than is required


Britain At Its Best

The British drink to get drunk and thus if there was an Olympic event to getting completely plastered in less than an hour, we’d do it in five minutes; our many weekends (and occasional week nights) of drinking irresponsibly and losing our memories an most of our dignity would be actually useful. After living with a Dutch person their view on British drinking was along the lines of ‘’You go overboard, you’re like part time alcoholics’’. However, if it was an Olympic event we’d no longer be mocked for being excessive drinkers and be a laughing stock of the world, our shame would be something to wear with pride.

4)      Being terrible at Languages


A British Man’s Holiday Attire.

English is spoken around the world which makes us incredibly lazy and ignorant in that when we visit a foreign country we expect them to speak our language. You can spot a British person on holiday, and not just by the union jack speedos and flip flops, because if they are attempting the local lingo it’s said very slowly and usually put in between English phrases such as ‘’Did I say it right?’’ and ‘’Why can’t they speak English!?’’.

5)      Potato Appreciation


If any vegetable was to be the vegetable of Britain, it would undoubtedly be the potato. Roast potatoes, Mashed Potato, Boiled Potatoes, Jacket Potato, Chips…..We are a lover of spuds. We have them with roasts, pies, tuna, cod…..if we could make a dessert with them then we would. I can’t think of any country that loves the little carb enriched brown balls more than us. Perhaps it’s because we think they have the qualities of Britain in that they are good, inoffensive all rounders.


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